


A found family isn't without its troubles

by CaptainLokii



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety Disorder, Autism, Bad Parenting, Best Friends Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun, Child Abuse, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Found Family, Gen, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt Huening Kai, Hyperfixation, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Muteness, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Soft Choi Soobin, Soobin and Yeonjun are basically the maknaes parents, Therapy, Weight Issues, autisic character, meltdowns, selectively mute Kang Taehyun, undiagnosed autistm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Kai couldn't help it.He didn't even know it happened until someone told him after. Then he'd have to watch as his best friends and brothers would spend the next few hours and in some cases days being terrified of him because of how bad he'd been.He didn't remember how he'd end up with a sore head or bruises and scratches. He always remembered the look in his friends eyes.Why couldn't he just be a good boy?
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Huening Kai & Everyone
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	A found family isn't without its troubles

**Author's Note:**

> This first started as a completly different story. This started as a "i will fight all the haters" fic after the recent abuse poor Hyuka recieved on twitter recently about his weight but then it changed into something completely different. Like literally its completley different.
> 
> Wifey as always you aren't allowed to read.

“HI MOA!!!” They all yelled at the camera together. 

It had been a really long day for him. He'd had to get up at 6am to get ready for school and he'd still slept passed the alarm so Yeonjun and Taehyun had to drag him off the bed by his feet so he wouldn't be late. Beomgyu had a bowl of his favourite cereal waiting for him as he shuffled into the kitchen his feet freezing against the cold floor. He sleepily munched away at the cereal enjoying the sweet bites of marshmallow he'd occasionly get and dozed off slightly till he was gently nudged by Yeonjun telling him he needed to go get washed and dressed. He brushed his teeth as quick as possible to get faster away from the tiled floors and back onto the warmth of the carpet. He'd regretted not putting his slippers on by then. 

His uniform was now sitting neatly on his bed for him. One of his brothers must've washed it for him after school yesterday Normally it would get washed once a week but last night when he got home he'd played with some paints Beomgyu had brought home and ended up with pink finger prints all down his front. He'd tried scrubbing at them with wet tissue which just smudged it and left white wet bobbles all over himself until he was caught by Soobin who sighed and made him go change and leave his uniform outside his door. 

He walked sleepily towards the door to grab his coat but was quickly turned around again by Yeonjun who slipped a scarf round his neck which he did up tightly put a warm hat on his head and handed him a pair of gloves “No getting sick” he'd warned “keep warm and have a good day. We'll see you later” He'd given him a quick hug and went back to eating his breakfast. Soobin was waiting at the open door with his school bag in hand ready to walk him to the bus stop. It was something he'd done since he'd dropped out of school. Even though he wasn't coming with them any more though at the time he was still in middle school he still made sure that he was walked safely to the bus stop each day and someone was always there when he got back to. 

“Come on Kai quicker you go quicker you can come home”. He was right but it still didn't make the process of going to school any easier.

He didn't like school at the best of times but now Taehyun wasn't there for him to play with at break time or to walk the halls with him as much any more as he was so close to finishing school their timetables rarely lined up so it meant he was relatively alone. Some people would talk to him in class but outside of it they all pretended he didn't exist. It wasn't as bad as middle school when people had pushed him around for not being able to understand Korean or for his accent but even now he still heard snide comments about him from others. When Taehyun was there he'd threaten to fight anyone that made him sad but now he just had to ignore them. Classes were boring as he knew he wouldn't be passing most of them any way. School wasn't for him. He didn't like numbers and words they were confusing. He couldn't remember dates or times or the periodic table the only classes he excelled in were music and dance but he didn't get that every day. Lunch time he'd take the meal Yeonjun would pack for him and go and sit in an empty class room by himself and often Skype Soobin and Yeonjun for company as he ate. They tried encouraging him to talk to more people but as hard as he tried they didn't want to talk to him. They said he was childish and weird and didn't want to hang out with him. 

The school bell would go and he'd traipse back to the bus stop and sit alone at the front as friend groups shouted and played behind him till he got to his stop and Soobin would be waiting for him and suddenly he could relax. They never asked him how his day went any more. They knew they'd just get the same response but they still wouldn't let him drop out and he wouldn't because he didn't want to disappoint his brothers. 

When they'd walked back to their dorm he'd barely had time to get changed and unpack his school bag and take his rehearsal things before he was being dragged out the door again by Taehyun to the waiting car. “Come on Kai! We've gotta go! Tomorrows the big day” he'd yelled. Tomorrow was a big day. It was the start of their comeback and they were fitting in one last rehearsal till they went to the music bank to perform for two weeks straight. They'd spent most of last week doing photo shoots and having their new hair retouched, though his required little doing to it given it wasn't baby pink or blue like his hyungs, and making sure they were all looking ready for the big day. He wasn't nervous but at the same time he was utterly terrified. He was excited about getting to be on stage again after the pandemic meant they couldn't do anything for months not even go to school let alone leave the dorms so being out and performing again had him buzzing but a comeback also meant all eyes were on them. Judging their every step, calling out every bum note or misplaced step in a dance. He didn't like the criticism side of things. His skin wasn't as thick as the others just yet. Every little comment stung because he should've done better so the mistake didn't happen. He remembered how disappointed his family would get with him growing up if he made a mistake at a recital or even at practice. He'd get home and they'd make him repeat the piece again and again until he got it perfectly and if he didn't it was straight to bed with no supper.

He spent the car ride hugging his bag close to his chest. He'd managed to grab one of his Molang dolls and his dolphin into it before he was rushed out the door. He hoped one of the others had brought some water for him as he hadn't thought to as he prioritised his dolls. He hadn't even brought a snack with him. He hoped they'd order take out or something later because his tummy was starting to grumble. Half way through the car ride his phone rang and it was his dad calling for the first time in a few months. They'd both been busy with their schedules and Dad didn't like him ringing him in case he disturbed something important and he must not have had the time to ring him which was okay. His dad being to busy meant his dad must be happy and he wanted his dad to be happy always. He was ringing now and making sure he was rehearsing well and being a good boy ready for tomorrow. He promised him he was and that he'd see it tomorrow on the telly. His Dad hung up and he went back to gazing out the window. He hoped he could make his dad proud tomorrow. He was trying really hard. 

Rehearsal had been harsh on him. He was already tired from school both physically and mentally so constantly doing the same moves over and over again and being corrected over and over again for messing up made things worse. He kept thinking about what his dad would say if he saw him mess up so many times whilst his brothers got it perfect time and time again. He'd be so disappointed and he wanted him to be proud. If he couldn't make his dad proud of him then he'd have failed. He pushed himself harder and harder till his whole body screamed at him from the pain of overuse. By the time Yeonjun deemed them at an acceptable level of perfect he was just about ready to sleep where he stood. He sipped on the water bottle Beomgyu had given him and pulled his hoody back on having shed it due to the over heating from dancing. “I'm tired” he'd whined rubbing his eyes “Can we go home now?” he heard Beomgyu say 'aww' from across the room and Taehyun tease him for it.

“We've gotta do a vlive first. It's been like a week since we did one all together” Soobin said grabbing his laptop from his bag and leading them from the rehearsal room to their little office and setting it down on the table. They all took their usual positions with Soobin and Yeonjun on the sofa with him tucked snugly between their legs and Beomgyu and Taehyun on his sides. “Now remember. No spoiling the new songs!” He looked pointedly at Taehyun. “Keep your hair covered” he looked at Yeonjun as he handed out their ridiculous hats they liked to wear to hide their new looks. “And Beomgyu for Christ sake no more swearing” he giggled at the offended look he gave their leader even though he knew Soobin was right. “Ready?” Soobin asked finger hovering over the button.

“WAIT!” he cried quickly getting up and running for his bag “Need Molang 'm sleepy” he explained sitting back down with his doll warm against his middle. 

“HI MOA!!!” they all cried together as the live stream started. They started with their usual spiel of saying who they were and asking how Moa were doing. He loved reading the comments of that part and seeing all the cool things they got up to in their lives. Soobin and Yeonjun gave them a quick run down of how the next few days were going to go and when they were performing tomorrow and where it was viewable. They answered a bunch of questions in Korean and English and played a few little games together to amuse mos. As the rest of them talked more and more he felt his head resting further and further onto Soobin's thigh and his eyelids got heavier and heavier till everything went black. He was nudged awake he wasn't sure how much later by Soobin poking his cheeks and Beomgyu and Taehyun laughing at him. “Wakey wakey sleepy head!” Soobin said stroking his cheek playfully “You okay?” he nodded and looked at the laptop to see it was still streaming.

“Sorry Moa I'm really sleepy” he said through a yawn rubbing at his dry eyes. He tried to read what the comments were saying but they were now going so fast. It took a while after him waking up and a few more answers from Taehyun before the comments slowed down enough that he could read them. 

_Ta3hyun2ga1: Oh my god look at how fat his cheeks are! He's got a double chin! How cute!_

He read the comment and paused looking around at his bandmates. He couldn't see a double chin on any of them and Yeonjuns cheeks were nearly gone with how much weight he'd lost for their comeback. Both Yeonjun and Taehyun had barely left the gym these past few weeks to try and look as in shape as possible with their crop tops. He ignored the comment and kept reading. 

_Hyukamale: Properly gotten fat that one. He should go on a diet”_ That wasn't very nice. He liked their username it sounded like guacamole but with his name in it and he giggled to himself as he repeated it over and over in his head the mean comment soon forgotten. 

_FairETvel: Oh look at HueningKai he's got his Molang! So cute! I bet he's super soft and cuddly no wonder he fell asleep._ He looked down at his beloved Molang adoringly. He loved that Moa loved him as much as he did. Molang was the best after all. 

_Bombinjun: HueningKai looks like he's going to rip out of those jeans any second. Look you can see the seams bursting. How could Big Hit let him get this fat?_

What? They were talking about him? He looked down at the seam of his jeans...they were a little pulled...but they were old it was just wear and tear. He had plenty of newer jeans that fit just fine! He looked back at the screen and saw comment after comment fly past in between all the usual MOA chatter. 

'You can see his tits through his jumper LOL ew much'

'Is that his sweater scrunched up on his stomach or is it showing his new belly?'

'He looks 9 months pregnant'

'you can see the flab of his arms

' 'Look how fat he looks next to Beomgyu'

'His neck is fatter than Soobin's thigh'

Comment after comment after comment all about his weight. He looked around at his hyungs and they didn't seem to be reacting to anything at all. He didn't think he'd gained that much weight he'd just grown some again so his bones were bigger so he had to be heavier to right? His hyungs would've said something otherwise or the managers would've put him on a diet. His dad would've said something to. He'd sent him photos over the last few months through the family group chat not that anyone used it much but he must've seen them. It had to just be some rude people from another bands fans invading the stream for some reason. He decided to shrug it off. 

~~

He managed to shrug it off till the next day when they went in for their costume fittings before they performed later. They'd all been assigned a few different costumes to swap between for each song. Most of them involved crop tops for the older boys although Soobin only chose to wear one for a photo shoot where he looked super cute! His crop top had been rainbow and woven and it had been really fun to trace the lines of colour to where they joined up and became another colour. Their new crop top outfits had resulted in Taehyun and Yeonjun having a war to see who could get the shortest tightest crop top into their own collection of daily wear before the managers had to step in and say that there was to much skin being revealed. They'd drawn the line at a shirt Yeonjun had made which if he moved even a little bit showed nipple. He hadn't told the managers he still wore it around the house to wind up Taehyun. 

His outfits on the other hand were lose fitting by several sizes and hung down over his waistband and he even got to wear arm warmers that looked like paws a few times. He also got a really cute hat with ears on that flopped up and down when he jumped. All his outfits were cute and he loved them most of all the comeback outfits he'd been allowed to have. He had different pairs of jeans for each one and his favourite were a dark blue pair with stars over one thigh similar to Yeonjuns black pair with stars all over. He liked the loose fitting comfortable close because he hated things being to tight on his skin or fabrics that felt really rough that made his skin saw when he moved. His new outfits were all soft and comfortable and he didn't mind wearing those. They were almost like his ordinary clothes. 

They were all getting changed in a room whilst staff other than their fitter prepared for the evenings events. Yeonjun was already in his pink crop top and jeans and was checking himself out in the mirror and taking selfies with Soobin. Taehyun and Beomgyu were arguing over whose shoes were whose given they wore the same size and he was waiting for his turn to put on his costume. 

“Here we go. Outfit number 1 for HueningKai” He pulled the top off its hanger and slid it over his head so it hung just past his thighs. He liked putting his top on first when he changed in front of the fitter because it didn't feel right getting changed in front of a lady especially not one old enough to be his grandmother. Next he pulled he jeans off and slid the new ones up his legs. They were tight going up but he figured this was one of the spare pairs he hadn't worn yet so they weren't broken in but then they got to his hips and he had to tug them hard to make them go up higher. He'd never had much of a bum so he wasn't sure why it was an issue now. The biggest problem came when he had to try and do them up. The button and the button hole wouldn't meet. He pulled them harder together them tried forcing the zip up instead but it wouldn't budge. His stomach stuck out some as he tried to squish the two bits of fabric together.

“Um...Noona...” his voice almost cracked as he said it. Yeonjun and the fitter both looked at him. “They....they don't fit...” He pulled desperately at the fabric trying to get the two sides to meet but they didn't no matter how hard he tried. Yeonjun said something to him that he couldn't hear as he pulled and pulled trying to suck his stomach in and get the zip to close. All the comments from the night before now flooded through his mind. They'd been right. MOA were right and he was disappointing them by looking how he was. His dad was going to be so angry with him. They weren't going to let him perform looking like this. He'd let his dad down and MOA down all over again. He never wanted to let them down. He looked down at the leg seams and just like the person had said the seams were close to bursting appearing white against the dark fabric. His stomach looked almost flat if not soft till he tried to make the button meet then it stuck out massively where it scrunched up around his belly button. Suddenly it felt like everything he was wearing was clinging to tightly to his skin and he could feel every single thread in the fabric grating at his boy like tiny knives. The fabric was to rough and was making him sore and his head was hurting and the noises were to loud. The sound of the AC going sounded like screaming in his ear and everything was to close and it was all to much. The lights seemed to get brighter and brighter till they blinded him till he slammed his eyes shut.

“Kai, calm down and look at me” a soft but authoritative voice said close by. To close. “Kai let go of your hair and look at me” he hadn't realised he was holding his hair let alone holding it so tight it hurt but he still didn't let go. Gentle hands pried his fingers out of his hair carefully and let his arms flop uselessly to his side. “Here look we've got Molang for you” he felt something soft brush against his cheek like whoever was talking had made his doll try and kiss him. He instinctively reached up and took Molang and hugged him close. “Can you open your eyes for me Kai and let me know you're okay?” The voice sounded concerned even worried. Had he done something bad? Was everyone mad at him? Was it because the jeans didn't fit? What was he going to wear on stage tonight? Where they not going to let him perform? What would MOA think? What would his dad think? He crunched his eyes shut tighter. His chest was burning and it hurt to breathe as he tried to focus on Molang and not on the overwhelming feelings around him. “Hey no come on little Kai calm your breathing down and look at me. Everything's fine. It's just us here and it's all perfectly okay.” How could he say it was okay? He'd messed up and now he was letting his team mates down. His BROTHERS. They were going to be so mad at him. They were going to hate him and it was all his fault. He should've worked harder. His dad always told him he had to work harder to be half as good as everyone else and he hadn't even managed that. He was letting their fans down and their managers who'd put so much faith into them. He felt something soft brush against his cheek wiping a way what he realised now were tears. “Come on. Open them for me? I thought I was your favourite?” He cracked one eye open a little to be met with the warm brown eyes of Yeonjun.

Yeonjun didn't look mad... he looked worried... was he worried because of him? Was it because he had to tell him he wasn't being allowed on stage for the comeback show? He didn't look like it would be that... He scanned his eyes trying to read something but he was never very good at reading other people. He looked a little sad. Had he said something mean? He couldn't remember what happened again so he had to have done something bad...but then when he saw him looking at him he almost looked happy... He didn't know what to think.“Not my favourite. Soobin's my favourite” he said in reply so they didn't think he was ignoring them and Yeonjun feigned hurt. He felt stupid. He didn't now what had happened to get where he was on the floor and he didn't know why his other band mates were either staring at him with concern or fear. He didn't like the scratchy clothes or the rough carpet or the sound of the stupid AC. His legs felt all wobbly and moving made his head spin and all the sensations got worse with it. 

“You had a panic attack Hueningie it's okay. Let's get you up onto the chair and get you something sweet to drink. Taehyun can you get us some grape juice if not then some hot chocolate?” he asked over his shoulder. He saw his best friend, one of the ones looking at him with fear, nod and run out the room still in his costume. Taehyun was scared of him again. He hadn't seen him scared of him in ages. He'd been trying his best to be good and not let the others down so they wouldn't think he was nothing but a big useless baby but he'd messed up again like his dad always told him he would. Taehyun didn't like people being angry or lots of shouting it made him scared and he would get scared of him and now he was scared of him again. He'd made his first best friend in the entire world scared of him. “Soobinnie?” Yeonjun said and his leader joined him on his other side and they both lifted him up one under each arm and plonked him gently on the dressing rooms small sofa.

“What happened Ningning?” Soobin asked wiping the last of the tears off his face with a hanky. 

He sighed and looked down at the still opened flap of his jeans “They didn't fit” he whispered but pulled his shirt down further over himself so his friends couldn't see just how badly they didn't fit. “MOA were right and now they don't fit and everyone's mad at me and I was bad and let everyone down” he started feeling weird again like he had earlier but this time he felt his hands moving upwards without him consciously moving them and going straight up to his hair. 

“No! Kai no!” Yeonjun yelled and both his and Soobin's hands were on him again pulling his wrists down “Don't pull your hair out okay? You'll make your head irritated and sore. Tell us what makes MOA right?” Both his hyungs held onto his hands tightly preventing him from pulling away. He didn't like being held down. He didn't like feeling trapped but they were also his big brothers and they wouldn't hurt him, would they? They weren't shouting at him not like...not like when he was really bad. They looked worried about him not angry.

“They said I got fat. Like really fat. They said I have a double chin and a belly and breasts and that my thighs were so big my seams were ripping and they're right hyung! I can't even get my jeans on and I only wore them a month ago! Why didn't anyone tell me? Now I've let everyone down and everyone's going to hate me.” They were going to hate him if they didn't hate him already. He'd never ranked as high as the others in any category. He wasn't old enough or prettier enough to be top of visuals. He wasn't a good dancer so he never did well there because he was always so stiff and getting so tall just made things worse. He didn't have the natural fluidity Soobin did at his height. He wasn't the best singer either he didn't have the amazing high notes Soobin and Taehyun did or the low ones Beomgyu did nor did he have the angelic tone of Yeonjun. His only speciality was being able to belt out a note but even then Taehyun was getting good at that to. He was never going to be good enough. He'd be sent back home and his dad was going to be so mad at him.

Yeonjun used his free hand to stroke his hair and cheek “Kai you know people are going to be cruel no matter what. It doesn't make what they say true. Look how last week on we-verse people kept telling Beomgyu he was ugly. Do you think Beomgyu is ugly?” he shook his head furiously looking over at where his friend was still standing looking scared of him. Beomgyu was pretty everyone knew that. Taehyun liked to say he looked like a pixie which he did but Beomgyu would always smack him when he said it. “So if you agree they were wrong about Beomgyu then how could they be right about you hmm?”. That was different though. He could see with his own eyes that Beomgyu wasn't ugly just as much as he could see with his own eyes that he was fat. Even if he couldn't see it he could feel his stomach squishing against the metal zip where hew as bent over making his stomach form a roll. His thighs were squishing out at the sides making the seams look even closer to ripping. Just because they were wrong about Gyu didn't mean they were wrong about him. It made him think of a phrase his grandmother used to say about even broken clocks could be right twice a day. 

“What am I going to wear on stage?” he asked Yeonjun. Yeonjun looked up at their fitter who was already shifting through the rack of costumes. 

“We have several other outfits for you to wear just give them all a try and see which ones fit and we can work from there. It's nothing to worry about little one these things happen you're a growing boy” He liked this fitter she was always nice to him and would ruffle his hair every time they met. She also always snuck a bag of sweeties in in her handbag for them to eat when the managers weren't looking. Once she even brought in a box of home made cookies and it was the best day ever. They were perfectly gooey without that horrible wet texture that made him feel sick and she used two different kinds of chocolate that made the flavours zig zag around his mouth. 

“See it's not so bad. One pair of jeans doesn't matter Kai. For all we know they shrunk when they were washed after the video shoot.” Soobin let go of his hand and gave him back Molang from where he'd dropped it earlier which he took eagerly to squish the light out of. “Take Molang and try on more jeans and I'll go see where Taehyuns got with that drink” He nodded and let them both hoist him up and he traipsed over to where the rest of the clothes had been layed out for him by the fitter before she left the room. This time he took them behind the curtain they'd been given to change behind no longer feeling comfortable in front of his friends or fitter. 

~~

 _Soobin's POV_

He hadn't expected that to be how the day started. Yes they were all stressed about the come back show today and yes Kai was prone to more emotional and extreme reactions to things than the others after he bottled things up for to long but it had been so long since he'd seen him have a panic attack. He didn't even know if you could call it a panic attack. They'd all had them over the years it's what came with idol life they'd all known it wasn't the best life for ones mental health but Kai had been so young when he'd become a trainee and his life before it hadn't exactly been stable. When Kai had a panic attack or whatever it was he didn't truly seem to panic although his breathing often got ragged. It was like he was feeling every emotion all at once but with the levels turned up to 11 and his brain overloaded and he went into a full blown melt down. They could tell when it was going to come because he'd start getting more and more agitated like tapping his foot fast or his fingers drum on the table and he'd pull at his clothes trying to adjust them constantly. He'd look around the room a lot from person to person but couldn't seem to focus on anything. Sometimes that would mean they were minutes away from a meltdown or sometimes it was hours that they could never pin point but they knew it was coming. Sometimes the cause of it was obvious such as a bad grade at school or a criticism from the manager and others they'd seemed to have had a good day where they'd all gone out together and done an activity as a group and he'd laugh along side them but the moment he got back into the dorm his little tells would start and they never did figure out why. The more time he spent living with them the less his meltdowns came and it had been a few months since his last one. He could remember because he'd been super excited that day because his dad had arranged to call him and they'd had a long chat but after the call ended Kai slowly started getting agitated until the meltdown started. It wasn't as bad as his usual ones so they'd just put it down to him missing home and moved on and when they didn't happen again they didn't think much of it other than that he was probably growing out of it now he was adjusting to life in a group. 

He'd always been taught to keep his emotions to himself growing up and to never let anyone see him cry. He'd mentioned before that his dad had always told him that crying was a sign of weakness which was a terrible thing to teach a little boy or any child but he understood that different parents had different methods for raising their kids and not everyone's experience was going to be like his own. But Kai didn't learn to keep his emotions to a private space instead he'd bottle things up and keep doing it till the fizz exploded out and he'd have a melt down. His meltdowns did come in different forms sometimes though they were usually a full blown attack but sometimes he'd have anything from a normal panic attack to a crying bundle on the floor to having a full blown tantrum with foot stomping and throwing his plushies at anyone who tried to soothe him. Once or twice especially after his growth spurt he'd accidentality hurt him and Yeonjun when they'd tried to restrain him from hurting himself but they hadn't told him when he calmed down as they thought as he didn't remember it was better he didn't know in fear he'd get upset again and blame himself for something completely out of his control.

Because of his upbringing he'd never learned how to properly channel his emotions in a constructive manner like his parents taught him. Nor was he taught how to talk to people about what was upsetting him. He was getting better at it though often his way of showing he needed to talk came in the form of sneaking into one of their beds at night and curling up as close as he physically could to them and trying not to show the fact he was crying. Of course he didn't just sneak into their beds, particularly his, when he was sad he simply just liked the comfort and company of another person to cuddle when his plushies weren't enough. They hated the fact that he couldn't remember what happened after he had a meltdown. It was like he'd entirely dissociated from who he was so didn't retain the memories of the 'other' Kai. He'd know he'd been upset and he'd know he'd been crying but never remembered the shouting or the screaming or the way they'd sometimes have to restrain him from hurting himself when he'd pull at his hair or smack himself over the head and on occasion bite himself to the point he drew blood. He rarely saw how terrified Beomgyu and particularly Taehyun got when they saw their little brother break down but he knew they'd avoid him for hours afterwards. The first time it happened after they moved into dorms together they'd both slept in the living room on the sofa together instead of coming back into their bedroom. Even he'd admit to being scared that time.

It was the early hours of the morning and he'd gotten out of bed to fetch a drink and on his way to the kitchen he'd heard crying in the bathroom as he passed it. The door had been open and the light was on and on the floor by the sink was their little brother curled up crying into his knees. He'd rushed to his side and tried to pull him into a hug but he'd learned then that that was the worst thing to do. He'd flipped out at being discovered and screamed out as he kicked away from him now cowering by the shower. His crying got louder and louder and more heartbreaking the more he freaked out. He dug his finger nails into his arm and he could see beads of blood forming around them. He was only thirteen at the time not far from his fourteenth birthday and curled up so scared like that he couldn't believe quite how small and young the boy actually was. He barely even spoke Korean still having only been in the country for a year before debut. He'd been avoiding going to school because he didn't understand and very few of them spoke English and the teachers weren't pleased with teaching a non Korean child. 

“Soobin?” a voice called behind him and his three other teammates were standing behind him looking at the crying boy on the floor. “What happened?” Yeonjun their eldest member had asked. He'd responded that he didn't know he'd found him that way and they'd spent the rest of the night trying to comfort the boy though any attempt just made him cry harder till eventually he fell asleep having used up the last of his energy through crying. He'd carried the boy back to his bed and tucked him in with teddy bear under his arm and left him to sleep. 

He'd spoken with his brothers after that about what had happened and they had all agreed that it wasn't a good idea to go and talk to their managers until they'd had a chance to speak to Kai when he was awake about what happened when he woke up. He didn't sleep the rest of that night and neither did Yeonjun. They both lay awake where they shared a bed having put Kai into a bottom bunk to sleep. They both lay and watched the sleeping boy both to scared to shut their eyes in fear of what would happen if they did. Beomgyu had immediately left for the sofa but Taehyun had watched silently from the door for a while just watching his best friend sleep till eventually he turned away sadly and left. The next morning he found the pair of them wrapped around each other to fit on the tiny sofa.

The next morning Kai remembered none of it. He didn't understand why his best friend wouldn't even look at him and left for school without him. He didn't understand why he'd been sat down on the sofa at breakfast time and had both him and Yeonjun talk with him about what had happened the night before. He couldn't remember how he'd got the moon shaped scratches on his arms or the bruises on his legs or elbow where he'd thrown himself across the room to avoid being touched. After finally convincing him to go to school he and Yeonjun had agreed maybe it was a good idea to talk to their managers about it.

They'd arranged for him to see a doctor about it who found nothing wrong with him other than his struggle with processing emotions but said that would get better with time and the love and patience of those around him. He'd been suspicious that there was more going on than that but either the doctors or the managers had not allowed a proper diagnosis in favour of Kai's career rather than his well being. It sounded like there had been a lot of that going on throughout Kai's short life but who was he to question them? From then on he and Yeonjun had made it their mission to make their Kai feel as loved as was physically possible. 

~~

He walked through the corridors of the music bank studio trying to find Taehyun till he stumbled across him sat on the floor against the vending machine tossing a coin and catching it. He sat down on the floor beside him. “You okay?” the younger boy nodded “You didn't come back?” he shook his head now. “Didn't want to or couldn't?”

They'd all gotten used to each others habits when it came to their mental health. Taehyun had actually been the first they noticed had anxiety issues in fact he'd been completely upfront about it from the start. He'd had his from childhood and though he'd learned to cope with it over the years he'd still fall into old habits when things were particularly bad. His biggest issue as he'd told everyone at the time was selective mutism. It wasn't that he didn't want to speak it was that he physically couldn't bring himself to. It didn't happen with everyone and it didn't happen all the time but the few times they did see it it usually involved Kai. Of course it had come about other times to like for the entire week leading up to their debut he barely said a word to anyone instead letting others speak for him or texting his answers instead of speaking them. They figured out their own ways of communicating when he couldn't use his voice. Another thing he'd do when his anxiety was bad was avoid people and seek the peace and quiet of a empty dark space where no one could bother him. They'd let him have his time there but after a while they always made sure someone went and sought him out and let him talk about what was bothering him. The night after Kai's first meltdown after Kai had long gone to bed he'd wondered where the boy had gone to and found him sitting at the bottom of the airing cupboard hugging himself and staring blankly straight ahead. His heart broke for the younger boy so he'd climbed in fitting as best he could beside him and shut the door again using his phones flash light on the lowest setting to give them some kind of light. He'd spoken to him trying to get him to respond and other than a small nod or shake of his head he didn't respond. Eventually Taehyun leaned forward so he was laying forward on to his lap and cried silently as he stroked his hair gently until he calmed down. He fell asleep in his lap and eventually he did to with his head back against the wall and his hand still stroking the boys hair. They were woken by the sound of Beomgyu and Yeonjun fighting over who got first use of the shower. Taehyun continued to lay in his lap till things quietened down again before he sat up opened the door and quietly walked back to his room to get ready for school. He again left for school without Kai and from the depressed face of the youngest boy when he arrived home without his best friend at his side he had avoided him at break and lunch to. Probably hidden away in an empty classroom till the bell rang again. He'd come home a few hours later and silently sat beside Kai and handed him the game controller and a few games in they were both yelling at the screen with vigour 

Beomgyu's way of dealing with bad days and anxiety was very different. He wasn't quiet by nature so when he went quiet it was obvious something was wrong but he still never remained quiet for long. It was more like he was processing what he was going to say before he'd blurt out all the things that were getting to him in a jumble that they'd have to unpick once he was done speaking. He would say 100 things at once in an order that made sense only to his mind and whoever he word vomited on would have to remember key words in what he said as he sped through it all and ask him about them one by one after. His worries usually followed the same patterns that were typical for his age such as school and if he was good enough to be an idol or if his dancing was good enough that day but after letting it all out and getting to talk things through he'd instantly be feeling better when his thoughts weren't being kept bottled up in his head. Yeonjun had been to therapy for a while growing up so had been taught to always talk about his feelings with others even if he felt ashamed to do so. He couldn't tell everyone at once given despite his on stage persona he was a very quiet and shy boy in reality so he'd pick whoever he felt most comfortable telling in that moment to talk to. On good days he was bright and happy and goofy but on bad days he'd follow that one person he was comfortable with around like a shadow to seek comfort in their presence. It was usually him he'd come to but often it was Beomgyu as well. On days where things were more than just anxiety getting the better of him he'd curl up in bed and refuse to leave or eat or drink and they'd bring out the big guns as they jokingly called it and send Kai in with cuddles and ice cream to cheer their hyung up some and get him to eat. He always had been a sucker for cute things and there was nothing he loved more than his youngest brother. 

They kept a closer eye on Yeonjun on days when things were that bad though because the reason he'd been to therapy as a teenager was because he'd been caught by a dorm master self harming. He'd admitted to them he'd done it for a while before and after being caught and a lot of what started his depression was about never feeling good enough compared to everyone else and the general insecurities you developed as a trainee but with the added worries of being the so called 'legendary trainee' yet never getting assigned to a group no matter how hard he trained. He could imagine how hard it must've been training for so long to the point he trained alongside BTS's Jungkook only to never be picked for a group despite constantly being top of every single one of his classes and seeing trainee after trainee either drop out or be picked up by another label yet no one ever tried to poach him and the label never fired him. He'd seen the scars on the boys body thankfully faded and white by now and he and his bandmates promised that they'd never let him get back to that stage again.

He on the other hand would write things down. He was shy by nature and didn't quite know how to get the words out when he had to express things verbally so he'd write them down or type them up and hand the note to someone or send the text to the group chat and they'd deal with it that way. They each had different methods of comforting each other. Most of them liked physical comfort such as hugs and being held as they slept. Kai liked to touch peoples tummies and have people play with his hair as he buried himself beneath a pile of plushies and blankets. Taehyun avoided physical contact at all costs unless things were unbearably bad for him and he didn't want others to see him cry. Then he'd bury his face into the chest of whoever was closest and cry and let out all the pain and anxiety he'd built up. 

“Couldn't” Taehyun replied. His voice was rough and he could tell he was trying to force the words out despite his brain trying to stop him as he also tried to fight back tears. He raised his arm so the younger boy could curl into him. 

“He's okay Taehyun, he's just having a bad day.” Taehyun still wasn't letting his emotions get the better of him but the fact he was accepting the comfort meant it wasn't far away.

“I don't understand why he gets like that. It's been ages I thought he was over it” he sniffed and wiped at his still dry eyes “it's scary. I don't like seeing him hurt himself” he rubbed the boys arm gently.

“He can't help it Tae. I don't know why he does it either but the doctor said it was fine and the managers said to leave it alone. We can't do anything but help him calm down.” He'd wondered ever since they'd left the doctors office that day if their really was more going on than their doctors and managers had claimed. He knew Yeonjun had tried doing his own research into the matter but whilst there were several conditions that fit their youngest brother they didn't really have the knowledge to definitively say this is what as wrong with him. There were other things that fit him to but they didn't want to think about that.

If the things that fit him were true would bring up to many traumatic memories for Kai that neither of them wanted to approach the subject themselves. It probably wasn't something like that any way and like he'd said before he HAD been doing better over recent months even with all the stress of filming videos and photo shoots and dealing with the pandemic. “What if one day he really hurts himself. What if we aren't there to stop him. I'm scared hyung” there were the tears. He'd thought about it himself. What if one day they weren't there to stop him if they went their separate ways or got their own places. What if they'd gone out for the day and he'd stayed home and something happened. It was a feeling that worried him to no end and he'd shared it with Yeonjun and the only solution they'd come up with was far to invasive on both theirs and Kai's privacy which was putting cameras up around the dorm. As his melt downs got further and further apart the less he worried but the further apart they got the more self inflicted violence was brought out of the usually kind and placid boy. The only time he'd seen him raise so much as a hand purposefully at anyone was when Beomgyu had cut off Tobin's tail and he'd stopped himself before he even moved forward and started crying instead, cradling his precious Tobin to him like a wounded friend on the battlefield. That had been a really bad week for Kai and for Beomgyu to who felt both guilty and had to deal with the pain of where Taehyun had punched him in defence of his best friend. That night he slept on the sofa by force not by choice. 

“We can't be there all the time and if something happens when we aren't then we will be there to pick up the pieces but I don't think anything will happen. This isn't even a bad one is it? Nothings broken, he's not bleeding and there has been no screaming. When I left he was hugging Molang and going to get changed into a different costume”. The younger boy was crying as quietly as he could into his now rather soggy costume but he didn't care. Ten minutes under the hair dryer and it would be right as rain it wasn't like they'd had their make-up done yet. 

“I just hate seeing him upset. I don't know what to do when he gets like that because nothing I do helps. He doesn't listen to me when he's like that he only listens to you and Junie. He's my best friend Soobin I don't like seeing him sad. I don't even know what happened this time he seemed fine this morning.” 

“Because he was fine this morning. He read some nasty comments on the live stream last night, you know the usual crap but then when his trousers didn't fit he believed them and had a panic attack. It's fine they probably just shrunk in the wash or something he's got loads more he can wear and then he will see it's not an issue with him at all.” It was definitely something they'd one again have to talk to him about though. He hated having those talks with any of the maknaes because it felt to authoritative but he was their leader and Yeonjun was their hyung and they had all of their best interests at heart. It seemed to soothe Taehyun somewhat and his quiet sobs died down to an occasional sniffle. He squeezed him a little closer and pulled a paper towel out of the rack beside them and handed it to him to wipe his nose and face with. “You want to go back yet? Give Kai his grape juice?” he tapped the bottle Taehyun had put on the floor beside him. 

“Can we just stay here a bit longer?” 

“Okay” He didn't want to push any one today. Later everything was going to be hectic and crazy and then they'd get off stage bubbling with excitement yet also seconds away from sleep with all the energy they'd used up. They were fine resting here for a moment longer until Taehyuns tears had dried up. 

~~

It took about ten more minutes and a snack from the machine for Taehyun to feel able to get up again and go back to the dressing room. He'd reverted back to silence but he was calm as he stood up and gathered up the snacks and drink he'd bought for Kai. They walked back to the changing rooms with his arm slung round the shorter boys shoulders offering him that last bit of comfort before he shrugged him off with the other boys around. 

Before they even opened the door they knew something was wrong. They could hear crying and they could hear Beomgyu shouting with occasional shouts from Yeonjun and though they couldn't make out what was being said they could tell there was a lot of anger in their voices. He felt Taehyun tense up again under his arm. 

He opened the door and inside he found a mad house. Clothes were strewn across the floor along side their bags and pillows and the remains of the privacy curtain and its stand and Kai was crying amongst the destruction with Yeonjun wrapping his arms round his shoulder and cradling him as he sobbed. Yeonjuns gaze was fixed souly across the room though as he rocked their youngest friend from side to side.

Across the room was Beomgyu who stood on a chair with Molang raised above his head which now had a red stain across it which was equally as red as the boys face. Tears were streaked down his red flushed cheeks and his forehead was tense in rage. He also noticed one of the seams on Molang was ripped and white fluff was sticking out. 

“What the hell happened in here?” he demanded stepping into the room, pulling Taehyun with him and shutting the door. 

“It's him!” Beomgyu yelled waving Molang at Kai “he's fucking crazy”. 

“Shut the fuck up Beomgyu” Yeonjun said covering the youngest boys ears and pulling him closer as he whimpered at Beomgyu's yelling. He could see that Kai's entire body was shaking and he was now wearing the clothes he'd turned up in rather than his costume. He could also see that the same red stain on Molang were also on Hyuka's arm and cheek. 

“Beomgyu watch what you say and someone tell me CALMLY what happened in here!” he sounded angrier than intended but one of his band members was crying and bleeding on the floor and the other one was waving a blood stained plushy above his head and another one was shaking tucked under his arm so the situation probably warranted it. 

“He went nuts because he couldn't fit into any of his costumes any more. Started throwing shit across the room and crying.” Beomgyu still raged “He's insane!”

“BEOMGYU SHUT UP” Yeonjun yelled again as the crying boy sobbed louder. 

“Noona...” Kai whimpered clinging tightly to Yeonjuns arms.

“Shh Kai it's okay Noona's here, Noona's here. I've got you.” 

“Yeonjun what happened, seriously?” he asked his hyung. 

“He tried on some more of the clothes but they all either didn't fit or were painfully tight. He got upset and that dickhead over there thought it was a good idea to make fun of him!” he growled glaring at Beomgyu who didn't look even the least bit phased. “He was fine just crying until he” he pointed an angry finger at Beomgyu “Thought it was a good idea to be cruel and wind him up and told him he'd got as fat as Molang” Kai whimpered at the words “Shh Kai it's not true, I'm just telling Soobinnie what Gyu said.” he rocked the boy harder. “He threw the jeans over the top of the curtain and put his normal stuff back on. That shithead wouldn't drop it though. I was going to go get the fitter and see what could be done but he then thought it was a good idea to make it worse and told Kai he was now fatter than Molang and was surprised he hadn't gained so much weight in the last hour that his normal clothes actually fit him.”. 

Soobin wasn't one to get angry not like that anyway. Annoyed yes and frequently when you live in a house with four other boys 2 of which are still teenagers but angry no. “Okay and what happened next because I'm seeing blood and none of that tells me why” 

“Kai threw Molang at Gyu and tried to hit himself. I tried restraining him on my own because someone was of no use right then and we fell through the curtain frame.”

“I didn't mean to Noona. I didn't mean to”

“I know Kai. It was an accident.” he promised “He cut his arm on the way down then that brat over there started shouting at him and hit him with Molang which made him more upset because now Molang has blood on it and it's ripped.” okay that explained the blood but it didn't explain why Beomgyu was being unbelievably cruel to Kai for. 

“Beomgyu why did you hit him?” he asked.

“Because I'm fed up with it! He's 18! He can't have a hissy fit over every little thing! It's not our fault he got fat. It's not fair on us having to deal with his shit because he's to stupid to deal with it like a normal person. We're not much older than him why do we have to pick up the pieces every single time he goes crazy? Why can't he just go home to his dad or something so we don't have to deal with it. It's not like we want him here.” Kai wailed at Beomgyu's cruel words and Yeonjun held him tighter that it looked like his bones would break.

“ENOUGH!” he yelled letting go of Taehyun who immediately took a step back so he was as close to the exit as possible. And marched over to Beomgyu. “Give me Molang” Beomgyu made no attempt to hand over the plushie so he pulled him down off his perch by the front of his shirt and snatched it from his hands. 

“Taehyun go see if you can wash some of this off and try and salvage it before it dries” he gave the toy to him giving him an excuse to get back out of the madness and back to some quiet. Also it prevented him from lashing out at Beomgyu again for hurting his best friend. 

“Sit down” he ordered and the younger boy sat silently onto the chair “Not a word”. He turned and walked over to Kai and Yeonjun on the floor “Hey Ningning. It's okay. Beomgyu was just being cruel you mustn't take his words to heart.” Kai whimpered and curled more into Yeonjuns arms. He looked quickly at the clock. They still had a few hours before they had to be on stage but he needed to get everyone calmed down fast before the managers found out and everyone was to emotional to perform properly tonight. “Can you let me see your arm?” he asked gently. Kai let his arm be manipulated outwards so he could see the cut. It was long and fairly deep but nothing serious and would be fine after being cleaned out and a bandage put on it all of which was easily coverable by his costumes arm warmers.

He got up and took the green first aid box off the wall and took a few antiseptic wipes out, some gauze and a bandage. Kai hissed as the wipes stung his arm and tried to pull away but he held fast and quickly cleaned the last of it up and wrapped it tightly making sure he got the blood off his cheek to where he must've been pulling at his hair again. “There all done” he told him. 

“Thank you” the boy whispered. He was talking which was a good sign. It meant this was neither a panic attack nor a meltdown and just genuine upset from the days events. 

“You want to get up onto the sofa? It can't be comfortable on the floor and Taehyun brought you grape juice and a snack to eat” He nodded and got up not letting go of Yeonjuns arm as they walked over to the sofa. He accepted the bottle of grape juice but didn't take the bag of chips. He took a few sips and his tears slowed slightly. “You want to talk about what happened?” he asked not wanting to upset his brother again. 

“Do you really not want me here?” he asked shyly “Do you really want me to go back to dad?” 

“No, Kai no. You belong here with us. We are five people it would never be the same with just four.” He promised but the boy didn't seem to believe him. 

He looked down at his lap sadly “Why didn't anyone tell me?” 

“Tell you what?” 

“That I'd got fat? The managers will get mad when they find out. I've ruined all their planned costumes so I've got nothing to wear. Why didn't any one tell me?”. He sighed and hugged the younger boy. This was going to be a whole issue now more than it needed to be and Beomgyu hadn't helped at all. Kai always tended to fixate on certain things and it took ages for him to move on to something else. Beomgyu always knew right how to play into a persons insecurities and the worst time to do it but now it had gone to far as it was impacting the whole band and had caused physical injuries to one of them.

“You haven't got fat Kai you've just grown. I bet if we measured your height right now you'll be like 2cm taller than you were the last time we got our heights done and that was only two months ago. You're 18 it's a thing that happens” he tried explaining but it was no use. 

Truth was that yes Kai visibly had gained weight recently but he'd gone from being seriously under weight to looking at the lower end of healthy. He'd grown so fast since their debut it was no wonder his body fat didn't keep up with his height and during the peace time of lock down when all they really had to do was record the album he'd managed to get to a more healthy weight and I was a good thing. His little brother glowed with how handsome he looked with his baby faced rosy cheeks back where they belonged. 

“But the clothes don't fit”

“Your skeleton doesn't just grow upwards dude it grows outwards to. Gotta get those strong bones for dancing” Yeonjun said trying to lighten the mood and tickling Kai a little making him squirm and giggle. 

“Beomgyu said I'm fatter than Molang” he said deflating again against Yeonjun who was grinding his teeth and glaring at the silent boy across the room. 

“Do you have something to say about that Beomgyu?” he asked him giving what he hoped was his best 'death glare' as Taehyun always put it. Beomgyu folding his arms and looked away “Do you really mean what you said to Kai or were you just pissed off and scared and took it out on him?” He watched as the boy looked down at the floor no clearly starting to feel guilty. “Did you mean it Beomgyu?” he asked again making his voice firmer this time. 

“No” he huffed “I didn't mean it. You aren't fat Kai” 

“And what else?” 

“We don't want you to go home. We do want you here and you aren't stupid.” 

“And?” 

“And I'm sorry”

“better” Kai looked at Beomgyu and mulled over his apology.

“Why did you say it?” he asked finally in a voice so tiny it was barely audible. 

“Because I hate it” Beomgyu was getting angry again “I hate your crying, I hate your screaming and I hate you going crazy and everyone else having to deal with your shit” Beomgyu had tears in his eyes again as he yelled at their maknae. 

“But...I can't help it...I don't want to do it...I don't know it happens” 

“I KNOW Kai I know you can't help it! That's why I hate it! I hate being scared when you go off! I hate watching you hurt yourself and not being able to do anything about it. It's driving me crazy. I don't know how to deal with this shit and neither does Taehyun so we end up having to avoid you for ages and feel guilty for doing it because we know it's not your fault! I love you Kai but I hate how you are”. Beomgyu gave up pretending now and run over and pushed him out the way so he could hug Kai “I'm sorry I made you upset. I'm sorry I called you fat and I'm sorry I hit you with Molang. I'm sorry I said I didn't want you here. I'm sorry Kai. I'm really sorry. Will you still be my friend?”. 

Beomgyu was a difficult one. He did lose his temper quite often but usually at objects not people and he never quite new when he as taking things to far until he had already done it and always knowing exactly what to say to hurt his victim most and more often than not he'd refuse to apologise for doing it so seeing him actually willingly apologise and be concerned about his an Kai's friendship was a pleasant development and a huge relief from the headache he was starting to get. Kai hugged Beomgyu back which they all took as an acceptance of their continued friendship just in time for the fitter to come back in with several coat hangers of clothes. She took one look at the puppy pile of crying boys and the mess around the room and sighed 

“Do I even want to know what happened here?” she asked and they all shook their head sheepishly. “I didn't think so. Now little one We've go a whole stack of other outfits here for you to try most of which will probably be to big but if we find something perfect we've got more than enough time to take them in before show time. Dry those tears, finish that juice and get changed whilst the rest of you boys clear up this mess. You'd think you'd been raised in a barn.” Yeonjun handed Kai back his juice and prompted him again with the bag of chips which he paused before accepting. He ate them silently still wrapped up in the arms of Yeonjun and Beomgyu. 

Taehyun arrived back shortly after his face redder than it had been when he left though his tense shoulders eased at the calm sight before him. He held up the remains of Kai's doll and shook his head. The seam had come more un-done in the water and it's white fur was still visibly stained with blood. It would have to go in the bin. Great now he had to break it to Kai that his beloved plushie was in effect 'dead' and he wouldn't be able to bring him back to the dorm. Right when he'd need him most to. The dolphin that he'd got him for his birthday didn't seem to cut it on the bad days so he hoped the rest of the day was smooth sailing. “Kai...I don't want to upset you again but Molang...He's a bit damaged...more than we can repair or clean to a healthy level...”. Kai looked over at his doll and his lip wobbled again. “We'll get you another one don't worry but it won't be tonight. We've got a show to do now so you've got to focus for me and put on your best show. Okay?” Kai's lip stopped wobbling though it remained in a pout but he nodded. 

“I promise I'll go out for when the shops open tomorrow and get you a new one Kai. It's my fault that one broke.” Beomgyu said admitting blame for it and making amends was another step forward for him. He knew the boy had a heart of gold really he just had a really weird way of showing it. 

“And look!” Yeonjun said leaning back so his crop top pulled up almost to his nipples “Plenty of tummies here for you to cuddle till Molang comes back” Kai immediately dived in for the tickle assault making Yeonjun screech almost as loud as Kai himself often did. 

~~

It took a few goes through with the outfits to find a pair of trousers Kai both liked and fit the aesthetic of their costumes and now their fitter was busy spray painting stars on them to match his original pair which had cheered him up some more. The sound check went well and dinner went off almost without a hitch though Kai didn't finish what was on his plate when normally he'd fight with Taehyun for seconds. He and Yeonjun both shared a look but silently agreed to sort it later and not start any more drama tonight. 

As the time drew nearer to 5:53 they gathered in position ready for the cameras to turn to them and the music to start. It had gone as perfectly as they could've hoped it could. No ones voice had cracked or hit a bum note and no one had missed a step or collided with another person and as had been all their biggest fears not one of them had dropped their cowboy hat. They all had run back to their dressing room cheering and jumping around hugging each other. Every one of them had the biggest smiles on their faces to the point he could feel his dimples hurting they were straining so much. 

After the show they had to do a few interviews which were fun playing little games and such and they were all very excited to see how many countries had magazines and TV shows interviewing them. It also gave Kai a chance to shine as most of the questions were in English and whilst they could all read them out half the time they only understood what about five of the words meant. Then they were carted back to big hit for a final come back celebration. 

They were herded into their office by management to find that the whole place had been decked out in streamers and banners with their logo on it and Tobin over in the corner was even wearing a little pink cowboy hat to. The biggest surprise of it all was sat on their sofa were three extremely familiar faces that made them all stop in their tracks and gawk. J-Hope, V and Jimin were in their room waiting for them...sure they kept in contact fairly regularly and Taehyung and Jimin would come and visit them whenever they were both free as well as Hobi stopping them in the corridor when they crossed paths to make sure Kai remembered his 'heart training' as they'd called it. But this time they were here waiting for THEM not them casually popping by for a visit. 

“Congratulations!” Jimin yelled popping a party popper sending streamers over their heads.

“We saw the show! It was awesome! Love the choreo” Hobi said,

“Yeah nice to see you shaking that thang Yeonjun” 

“JIMIN! He's a kid!” Hobi admonished.

“He's like 4 years younger than me it's fine”. They bickered for a bit before Taehyung separated them.

“We brought you something as a congratulations” he said prompting the other two to reach under the sofa and bring out five baskets rapped up in clear plastic “They're from all of us but the others are working and couldn't make it”. They handed out the baskets one by one which each had a tag on the handle. He lifted his up and read it 'to my fellow bunny congratulations on an amazing show. See you soon. JK' inside the basket was a stuffed bunny and various sweets and treats with a few nick knacks he couldn't make out without unwrapping the pretty packaging. 

The other boys on the other hand had torn through their packaging in an instant and were rummaging through their baskets with shouts of excitements and thanks. “Look at all these milkshakes! Every kind of flavour!” Taehyun yelled sifting through packets of milk powder like he'd found gold.

“Look at these Gummies! Worms, bears, crocodiles! Every animal in gummie form” Beomgyu waved the packets around.

“Can I have some Gummies Gyu?” Taehyun asked.

“No get your own” they both laughed and dove back into the packages. Each one of them had a plushie of some kind. Yeonjun had a fox along side some sweets and various accessories for his hair and in general. Perfect for the boy who loved his fashion. Taehyun had a creature he wasn't sure if it was meant to be a chipmunk, a gerbil or a squirrel but it was cute either way and Beomgyu had a bear with a tartan bow round its neck. Kai's basket on the other hand was filled nearly entirely with plushies with the biggest one being a penguin that he was now squishing tightly. He saw a variety of smaller plushies and even a small Molang in there which he'd lined up in front of him. 

“Thank you hyungs” he said petting each plushie on it's little head. “I love them.” Taehyun picked up one of the lined up plushies and looked it over before putting it down and bringing his own doll down to sit with Kai's.

“See now they can be best friends” he said nudging them together “Just like us.” It was Taehyun's way of telling the boy that despite the over whelming day they'd all had he still loved his best friend a lot. That he just needed time to relax again and things would be normal again. 

“Just like us” Kai agreed nodding. Taehyun turned back to his basket and Kai smiled sadly down at the paired up plushies. 

They chatted with their hyungs for a while as they played with their baskets contents. Hobi offered tips to each of them for their dancing on bits they could improve and how to do it for which they were all grateful They were always looking to improve on what they did and be as perfect as possible and there was no one more of a perfectionist when it came to dancing than Hobi, not even Yeonjun. 

Jimin chatted with Yeonjun about fashion for a while and about the choices in outfits for their come back commenting on which ones he preferred best. He also teased him for his white shirt and black waistcoat combo from the blue hour video that was way to big for him. “And you” he said pointing at Kai “You got new outfits today! I loved the star jeans! What made them change yours?” he asked curiously. 

Beomgyu and Taehyun froze and turned to face their youngest member nervously. Kai looked equally as nervous as he bit his lip and looked between his hyungs. “Um” he said his voice shaky “I didn't...” 

“The Noona's thought the new outfits fit the theme better” Yeonjun interrupted patting Kai on the shoulder. “They matched with bits of all our outfits so they blended together better.” he lied but Jimin nodded accepting the answer and not noticing the uncomfortable atmosphere between the members now. 

The conversation moved on but Kai's smile didn't come back and only gave one or two word replies to anything he was asked with his eyes turned down to his plushies. Their hyungs seemed to take it as him being enthralled by his dolls than him being upset but the rest of them could sense the truth. 

“Hyung” Kai asked knocking his knee with his hand “I'm really sleepy. Can we go home soon?” He could see the tears forming in his eyes and how red his face was getting as he fought to hold them back. 

“Aww it is late.” Hobi said checking his watch “We've kept you to long. Get home and rest well you all did amazing today and deserve it.” 

“You really did. We're proud of you” Taehyung added and got up with Hobi and walked to the door. 

Jimin followed soon after and pet them each on the head as he stepped over their spread of confectionery “We'll come visit again soon” he promised and they left. 

Having the room to themselves let the barrier Kai was keeping up fall away. “They noticed” he cried “They noticed so everyone's going to notice. Everyone's going to know.”

“There isn't anything to notice. You just changed outfits is all. Tomorrow we can ask if all of us can change part of our outfits so it just looks like it's planned. No one is going to assume anything.” he promised but it didn't do any good. 

The boys breathing got heavier as his tears flowed faster and he repeatedly opened and clenched his fists. “Huening Kai, no! We aren't doing this again” Yeonjun said firmly moving the plushies out the way so he was kneeling down in front of him. “Today has been stressful and we understand but you have nothing and I mean NOTHING to get upset about right now. Having another meltdown is just going to make you feel worse and upset Taehyun and Beomgyu more. Calm down, gather up your things and we can go home but no more of this tonight.” Yeonjun hadn't meant to sound inconsiderate to Kai's feelings clearly but his choice in wording had very much been the wrong thing to say. 

They barely made it through the front door of their dorm before all hell broke lose. Kai practically staggered to a stop just inside the door and slid down the wall into a ball on the floor.

“I don't mean to” the youngest boy cried still stuck on Yeonjuns earlier words “I don't mean to. I don't mean to. I don't mean to” he rocked back and forth his hands now once again in his hair. “Don't want them to be scared. Don't want them to hate me. My fault. All my fault.” He and Yeonjun both reached out to try and pry the boys hands away from his hair once again but this time he fought back pushing them both away and changing tactics to hitting himself hard over the head again as he repeatedly said he was sorry through his tears. 

He looked over at Beomgyu who was holding his new bear close to his chest looking fearfully at his friend as he repeatedly hurt himself and then to Taehyun who was sat like a rag doll propped up against the wall and stared blankly forward with the only sign of emotion on his face being the tears pouring down his cheeks.

“HUENING KAI NO” Yeonjun said now angry and standing up so he towered over him on the floor. “THAT IS ENOUGH” he reached out to grab his hands again but the boy cowered at the raised voices and in coming arm. 

“Please don't hurt me” he said in a tiny voice that made him sound like as small child not the teenager he was. “Please don't. I'll be good I promise. Don't hurt me again.” he pleaded.

“What? Kai? I'm not going to hurt you? I've never hurt you?” Yeonjun said dumbfounded his hand still outstretched. 

“I swear I'll be good! I swear! Please don't” their youngest brother had curled up in a tight ball and was shielding his head with his hands. “I won't do it again.” Yeonjun looked at the boy then at him in bewilderment. 

“Who hurt you Kai?” he asked crawling closer to the distraught boy. “Who has been hurting you?”

“Can't tell” he answered “My fault. I'm bad.” It wasn't their Kai speaking any more it was like he'd regressed to a much younger version of himself. He'd never done this before not in even the worst of his melt downs and he wasn't sure what to do about it. Did they call someone? Would that get Kai in trouble? Would that put him in more harms way than good? Someone had been hurting him though and whose to say it wasn't someone they worked with and telling them would put him in danger. No they needed to find out more before they could act.

“You can tell us. Look we're all your friends here” he changed his voice so it sounded like he was talking to a child not his friend. “We won't tell anyone else.” 

Frightened eyes peaked up from behind his arms and looked right at him “Promise?” he nodded and made a cross over his heart as proof. “You won't tell anyone?” he crossed his heart again. “Daddy gets mad sometimes if I don't do good enough. I try to be good! My sisters are always good but I mess everything up.” 

“Does your Dad hit you?” he asked gently. He looked up at Yeonjun who was wide eyed and terrified at their previous suspicions being confirmed. Something terrible had happened to their baby brother in the past.

“Only if I get upset. He says crying is bad and for babies and I'm not a baby!” he insisted punching down on his knees to emphasise the point. 

“That doesn't give him a right to hit you Kai. He's your Dad he's supposed to love you not hurt you.” Yeonjun said finally kneeling down with him. 

“He does love me! He tells me he loves me all the time it's just he just wants me to be a good boy and I'm a bad boy.”

“How are you a bad boy?” Yeonjun prompted trying to get him to continue. 

“If I get upset he says I break things or I hurt myself and Daddy gets really angry but I don't mean to do it! I don't remember... He wants me to be like my sisters. They're good girls they don't make Daddy angry.” So his meltdowns weren't just a side effect of abuse. He'd always been like this. He wanted to pull the boy against him and wrap him up tight and protect him from everything bad in the world but what good would it do when there had been no one to protect him in the past? Kai was one of the sweetest human beings he knew 

“Daddy said Mummy left because of me and step mummy didn't want me there. She sent me away because she said I was in the way.” 

“No baby boy. She didn't leave because of you. She left because your dad sounds like an ass hole so is your step mum. No one has the right to treat a little boy like that. You didn't do anything wrong.” Yeonjun was crying to now. They all were at hearing about the horrible treatment their little Hueningie had suffered and they could be sure it wasn't the worst of it. 

“Why can't I be a good boy? I try really hard I promise but I never be a good boy” his voice is small and his whole body is shaking. “'m never a good boy.” he started hitting himself over the head again harder than he'd done before hard enough that it was going to cause him serious harm if he continued and he Yeonjun had to restrain him. The strength of him meant they had to use their whole weight to stop him hurting himself further and even then it was a struggle. “Let me GO!” he cried trying harder to fight them off. “Let me go! I'm bad I deserve it. I'm bad.” he was crying and pleading and fighting desperately to get his hands free. “Nobody wants me. Nobody ever wanted me. I'm bad and useless and stupid. Bad, bad, bad.” 

“No” A broken voice cried from behind them and suddenly they were pushed out the way and the tiny form of Taehyun had wrapped himself around Kai's waist not at all flinching when his distraught best fried still stuck in his traumatic memories hit out at him and tried to fight him away. “You were never bad. You're my Kai. My best friend. You make us all laugh with your silly jokes that aren't even funny but you laugh at them which makes us laugh to. You make us smile when you play with your toys and come up with whole worlds and stories just for them and you don't care about anything else in that moment because you're so happy. You make us want to work harder every time you sing because you're that good Kai. When you run up behind us and give us a hug just because you can, it makes our hearts warm because there is so much love in your heart that you have enough to share with anyone even when we feel like we don't deserve it. I'm sorry your dad did that to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him. I'm sorry I get scared and can't talk when you need me to be there and I and make you feel bad because I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I can't make any of the bad things go away but don't ever think you're bad Kai. Don't ever think you don't deserve love because you do. You deserve it more than anyone.” Taehyun pleaded squeezing tightly at Kai's middle as he continued to hit out at everyone near him. 

“No I DONT” he screamed trying to push Taehyun away “I don't deserve it. I'm bad I ruin everything and no one wants me here.” 

“We do baby boy we do” Yeonjun insisted literally begging him to listen to them. “We want you here always.” 

“Beomgyu said you didn't. Daddy didn't want me. Mummy didn't want me so why would you? 'm no good. Ruin everything. Couldn't even stay thin. Moa don't want me. Useless. I want Molang” his crying was gut wrenching. He stopped fighting himself and the others and just collapsed into Taehyun and sobbed the most heartbreaking cries. “I want my Molang back” he pleaded “Molang loves me” he whispered. 

God he wanted to smack Beomgyu sometimes. He knew he hadn't meant it when he'd told him earlier that they didn't want him there but he knew that Kai always had a fear about being abandoned and being alone. He knew Kai fixated on things and he knew Kai was already having a terrible day. Why couldn't he have just left him alone and let them deal with his meltdown. He looked over to were Beomgyu had been standing crying before to see the boy was gone which only fuelled his rage. After everything he'd done today even with his apology he still dared to walk away when all this had been triggered by him taking things to far. 

“Hueningie we want you here. If you weren't meant to be here then you wouldn't be. I'm sorry we can't change what happened to you but believe us when we say you are wanted here. We are your family now and we will give you all the love you deserved as a little boy. I know you don't want to believe me because sometimes I can't believe im wanted either but I promise I won't ever lie to you Kai you are our baby brother from now till we're in our 90's sitting in rocking chairs outside an old peoples home talking about the good old days. We aren't perfect and we're going to get things wrong and we're going to fight and get angry or upset but that will never mean we've stopped loving each other.” Yeonjun promised, tears still streaming down his cheeks. “Life hasn't been fair to you but things change now. We will make sure of it. You are my Ningie and I am your Noona and I love you more than anything. You are the little brother I always wanted and I'm never letting you go.” 

He watched as Yeonjun slotted himself above Taehyun to hug the distraught boys middle. Poor Kai was rocking back and forth with his hands tightly gripping on to Taehyun and Yeonjuns coats. He slid over to his other side and slotted in as best he could so he could hold him to. They sat there crying in a pile of limps trying to give any comfort they could to their youngest brother. 

“Kai?” Beomgyu had come back into the room and shyly spoke up. He could feel Kai tense up in his arms and stop rocking. “I want you to have this” he said. They all looked up at Beomgyu who was standing there holding out his beloved teddy bear. He'd had the bear since he was a little boy after being given it as a gift by his grandmother and he took it everywhere with him and never slept without it. “I want you to have him...I...I shouldn't have said anything earlier...I hurt you and I took Molang from you. I want you to have teddy because I don't deserve him.” he shuffled closer holding the bear out with shaking arms “Nanny would be ashamed of me for treating you like that. Please take him...I'll still get you Molang back in the morning but please take teddy.” he pleaded. 

Kai looked at him then up at Beomgyu still stuck between his current and former self. His wide eyes full of innocence and hurt. He released his grip on Taehyuns shirt and carefully reached up and touched the small bears leg feeling his fur between his fingers. He pulled his hands away like he'd got a static shock for a second then reached back out for the bear. The moment it left Beomgyu's hands he started uncontrollably sobbing till he could no longer stand. “I'm really sorry” he pleaded “I don't mean to hurt people. I don't like making people upset but I don't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt you” he cried. He could tell Beomgyu's grief was real even if some of it was just from giving up his teddy but the guilt at hurting his friend was real. Beomgyu needed help just like they all did and this had been the final straw for him to ask for it. 

Beomgyu fell beside Taehyun and joined in the cuddle pile as he pleaded for forgiveness from his friend. Kai was holding the bear out in front of him with another hand held delicately to his mouth like he always did when he was thinking hard. The bandage on his arm had come away in all of the commotion and the cut was bleeding again and staining through the boys coat and he had red marks which would probably turn to bruises in the morning on the side of his face and arms. His hair stood up wildly where he'd pulled at it and his clothes were in disarray where he'd fought them to escape their hold. It was going to take some explaining to the managers tomorrow but he'd think of something. Kai didn't need any of that drama right now. He needed help not being yelled at by management.

“Soobinnie?” Kai asked quietly..

“hmm?” 

Can we go to bed? I'm tired...” his eyes were still sad and tears still rolled down his cheeks and he seemed almost dazed as he slowly rocked back and forth. 

“Of course Ningie. You want anything to eat before you go to sleep? I think we've got ice cream in the freezer or we can make some ramen or something?” he offered trying to remember what they actually had in their often bare cupboards. They were all rather terrible at keeping them stocked and often ended up either going to the shops or ordering take out most nights. He mostly just wanted Kai to eat something sweet and give him a bit of sugar given all that he'd cried today. He looked so drained. He also worried he would fixate on the weight thing again and he didn't want that to become his latest fixation because unlike his other fixations it would cause him serious harm. 

Kai looked up at him momentarily then back down at the back of Taehyuns head. “No” he said sadly, shaking his head. “Can't. Want sleep.” 

He didn't like his use of the word can't but arguing with him right now was probably a worse than bad idea. “Okay. Come on lets go to bed. Get off him you lot” he slid out from around Kai's waist and shoved the two crying boys on his lap who seemed very reluctant to get up. “up, up, up” he shoved harder and they reluctantly let go and moved away. 

Kai held tightly on to Beomgyu's teddy bear and to Yeonjuns arm with the other. Blood dripped down from his arm onto the white tile. “Okay before you go to bed we need to re dress that” he said. “Come on take this coat off” Yeonjun pulled the thick winter coat off Kai's shoulders and shoved it in the vague direction of the washing machine. He'd have to borrow one of theirs in the morning. 

He left the group to go and fetch their own first aid kit but this time Yeonjun was the one who cleaned and dressed their maknaes arm. Kai watched curiously like he wasn't aware there had been anything wrong with his arm to begin with. He wondered if he'd come out of his meltdown completely and forgotten or was still stuck in the childlike state he was before. “There we go. All done” Yeonjun pet the taller boys head and closed the first aid kits box. “You sure you don't want something to eat?” Kai shook his head vigorously still looking at his arm and not them “Not eve a hot chocolate?” Kai paused for a second and thought before nodding. “Okay, I'll go get you a hot chocolate whilst you get ready for bed.” he promised. He hugged Kai and pried his fingers from his arm so he could leave and make the drink. He watched as Kai's fingers opened and closed gripping on to the air where Yeonjun had once been. 

“Come on Hueningie. Sleep time.” He held out his hand for the boy to take which he did and let himself be lead into his and Taehyuns bedroom. Taehyun followed hot on their tail and he could guess Beomgyu was lurking somewhere behind the door to scared to come in. 

Kai sat on the bed whilst he dug out a pair of clean pyjamas for him and handed him to the boy. He put Beomgyu's teddy down beside him on the bed and stood up and started to remove his day cloths. Once he got to just his shirt he paused with his hands on the bottom of the fabric “Um...hyung...could you turn around?” he asked shyly. His eyes lowered to the ground but he could see the tears appearing again as he tried to cover his own body with his arms. They'd never had an issue changing in front of each other before. Often you'd walk down the hall to find someone running in just a towel from the bathroom to their bedroom and it was perfectly normal for them. To see their precious maknae uncomfortable just changing into night clothes in front of them made him so angry at everyone that had made him feel like that. At Moa for thinking it was acceptable to tell him he was getting fat and at Beomgyu for using it against him for revenge. Their little brother was hurting now and he didn't know how to fix it. 

“Ningie you don't normally mind. Don't focus on what lies other people have said.” he really didn't want this to become a thing. 

“Please Soobinie...Taehyunie...I don't want to...not tonight” his lip was wobbling again as he got closer to the tipping point again. 

“Okay Ningie. It's okay we can turn around.” he grabbed Taehyun and spun them both around so they faced the wall. They waited for him to change and when he said he was done they both turned back round to find him in his pyjamas but with an over sized hoody pulled over the top. It was one of his favourites for days he was sick as it hung all the way down to his thighs almost like a dress. “Oh Ningie” he sighed “You can't wear that to bed you'll roast to death. Take it off and get under the covers.”

“I'm cold hyung.” he insisted. 

“It's 20 degrees in here and Yeonjun will turn the heating on either way. You will make yourself sick if you over heat.” with the amount they'd all cried today they were probably all on the edge of dehydration but Kai worst of all. Spending the night sweating in a hoody would just do more harm than good. 

“I already feel sick” Kai said sadly “Just want to go to bed.”

“You aren't going to bed wearing a hoody Kai” he put his foot down. “Take it off and get under the covers. Yeonjun will be here in a second with your drink. Off with it, now Kai.” he stepped forward to the boy but he flinched away from him. 

“Fine!” he huffed angrily and pulled the hoody over his head and balled it up and threw it across the room. He picked up Beomgyu's pair slid under the covers and faced the wall with his back to them. 

“Kai?” Taehyun whispered. 

“Go away” 

“Please Kai? Don't be mad...” 

“Go away Taehyun.” 

“Okay that's enough. Kai don't get mad at us because we don't want you getting sick. Don't be rude to Taehyun. If you feel sick we can get you some medicine but I think you just need a hot drink and a sleep.” Kai huffed but still rolled round and faced them the bear still tight in his arms. 

Yeonjun then walked in carrying a tray with four hot chocolates on “Hot chocolate! Get it whilst its hot! Kai you get the one with marshmallows because I actually like you.”

“hey!” he and Taehyun both yelled but Yeonjun ignored them instead to smile at Kai who was giggling on the bed. They both took their mugs and Yeonjun put the tray on the night stand and sat down on he edge of Kai's bed handing him his drink after he sat up a little before taking his own. 

“How you feeling Ningie?” he asked as Kai picked out the marshmallows one by one and ate them making sure to lick the sugary chocolate residue off his fingers after. 

“Sleepy” he answered “sick...not good.” he sipped at the chocolaty warm liquid and sighed. 

“Hueningie feels sick? Do you want some medicine?” Kai shook his head “you want to talk about it?” 

Kai paused, drinking some more of his hot chocolate “Are you guys mad at me?” he asked. 

“Why would we be mad at you?” he asked him shocked.

“Because I made everyone sad again.”

“We aren't sad Ningie we're just worried about you. You've had a bad day and that's okay but we worry about you like this.” he explained and Yeonjun nodded in agreement. 

“But I always have a bad day. You all get sad after and I don't want you to be sad. I want to be normal like you.” 

“You are normal Kai you just don't...I don't know? You don't process things like we do? You feel things more and that's totally okay because its what makes you you and we love you just how you are.” Yeonjun said. 

Taehyun had cuddled into his side tucked in as close as he could get sipping his own drink quietly seeking the comfort of another person. His eyes were almost as bloodshot as Kai's from crying and he looked so small curled up like that. He kept his eyes trained on his best friend the entire time watching for any sign of Kai getting upset again. He worried that if Kai had another melt down tonight that it would be all to much for Taehyun. He hated seeing other people hurting but someone as innocent as Kai was to much for him. 

“Beomgyu doesn't.” Kai said sadly “He left again”

“Beomgyu is sat on the floor outside the door drinking his hot chocolate. He thinks you don't want him in here because he's stupid.” Yeonjun said “I told him to come in but he won't listen.” 

“I want Gyu here. Can Beomgyu come here?” Kai asked and Yeonjun got up putting his drink back on the side and opened the door tugging the younger boy in by his collar. Beomgyu was still crying when they could finally see his face. His cheeks were red and his lip in a firm pout. “Can Beomgyu sleep in here tonight?” Kai asked looking at them with pleading eyes. “Don't wanna sleep on my own.” 

Beomgyu's eyes went wide and he looked from their maknae to the rest of them and back “But I was mean to you? Don't you want Soobin to stay with you?” 

Kai shook his head “Want Gyu” 

He watched as a little smile appeared on Beomgyu's face “I'll go get changed” he said happily and ran out the door to their shared room to change. 

“Noona can you pass me dolphin?” he asked Yeonjun who was standing closest to the pile of plushies on the floor “....and my pig...” Yeonjun picked up both plushies, paused for a second to see if Kai would request more and when he didn't handed them both to him. Kai tucked both plushies under the duvet beside him and the teddy bear still held in his arms. 

“You going to go to sleep now?” he asked the smaller boy. Kai nodded “You want us to stay? We can sleep on the floor?” Kai thought for a bit then nodded again. Yeonjun said he'd go get the blankets for them to lay on and left. He waited for Beomgyu to return before going to get changed himself. He put his pyjamas on as quick as possible and when he returned the two maknaes were curled up in bed together talking in quiet whispers. 

“I'm sorry I threw Molang at you hyung” 

“I'm sorry I called you mean things” Beomgyu was definitely avoiding using the words he'd used before in case it set Kai off again. 

Kai wriggled around and pulled the dolphin and pig into his arms and then tucked Beomgyu's teddy back under his arms. “I can't take your teddy Gyu. Thank you for letting me cuddle him though. You're a good friend.” Beomgyu's lip wobbled again as he clutched at his precious teddy bear the wrapped his arms tightly around Kai's shoulders. 

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you” he whispered. The boys snuggled down under the covers together and after a few exchanges of whispers he couldn't make out they fell asleep wrapped up in each others arms and those of their plushies. 

~~

When he woke up the next morning Beomgyu was wrapped around him like a koala and his hyungs were asleep on Taehyuns bed opposite with both Soobin and Yeonjun holding Taehyun in between them. He giggled and accidentality woke Beomgyu so he pointed at the sleeping trio and he giggled to. “Shh” he whispered trying not to wake them more. He reached out to the bedside table and picked up his phone and snapped a few pictures. They ducked down under the covers and giggled as he shared the photos to Beomgyu's phone and they took turn editing the cutest or silliest stickers onto their brothers. 

They didn't realise how loud they were being till the covers were pulled back over their heads and Yeonjun was looking down at them fondly. “What are you two little trouble makers up to?” Beomgyu giggled more and pressed the share button on his phone posting their particular favourite of their edits to their twitter and we-verse “Nothing Hyung. Just talking.” They looked at the insane amount of notifications that filled up their twitter account within seconds of being posted and both fell about giggling more waking Soobin and Taehyun who both looked very confused. 

“Kai? What are you two up to?” Soobin asked. His face was so puffy from sleep he looked like he was made of dough which set him and Beomgyu off giggling again.

“You little monsters you're up to something. Kai what did Beomgyu do?” Yeonjun asked but was clearly amused at them. 

“Hey!” Beomgyu cried in indignation. 

“Nothing Noona we swear! We haven't done anything bad...” he promised.

“Theirs not doing anything bad and theirs not doing anything.” Yeonjun eyed them up trying to guess what they'd done. 

“You little shits! Oh my god! Delete it now!” Taehyun cried holding up his phone for them all to see. He and Beomgyu immediately started laughing so hard they had to cling on tightly to stay on the bed. 

“You little devils!” Yeonjun launched himself onto the bed tickling them to death making them cry and scream and fight off the horrific attack. “Little monkeys the pair of you” Yeonjun cried “Taking pictures of your sleeping friends! And you didn't even make me look pretty!” 

“Not even every filter on snow could do that” Beomgyu said between laughter earning himself even fiercer tickles. 

The attack continued until he had to literally beg Yeonjun to stop or he'd literally wet himself from laughter. Yeonjun relented and let them both get up and make it to the bathroom just in time then run back to the warmth of his bed. The five of them talked and joked around for a while before it was time to get ready for school. Soobin went to go make breakfast and Taehyun and Beomgyu fought over who got first dibs on the shower leaving him with Yeonjun in his bedroom. 

Yeonjun was methodically taking his uniform off its hanger and pulling off any stray bits of fluff or dirt and putting it on his bed for him to change into. “Do I have to go to school today Noona? I still feel sick.” he pouted. He did feel sick. He was tired and his head hurt and his whole body felt sore. He wanted to curl up on the sofa with his plushies and a blanket and watch anime all day not go to school and get told off by teachers for not knowing the answers and ignored by everyone but his brothers. 

“You have to go kid. No ones going to be here all day you three have school and me and Soobin have a meeting with the managers.”

“I can stay by myself.” he insisted.

“No you can't Kai. Not today. Go to school. You've only got a half day today anyway because we've got a show tonight. Taehyun will stay with you between lessons and Soobin will get you from the bus stop afterwards.” Yeonjun handed him his school shirt “Come on. Change or you go in your pyjamas.” 

He took it and pouted as hard as he could whilst slipping his pyjamas off and sliding the shirt on keeping as much skin covered as possible. He knew it was stupid thinking his brothers would judge him but every time he moved now all he could feel was the squish of his skin...his fat...brushing against his clothes. Everything their fans had said he could see it now. He wasn't obese or anything like that but he was fat. He could see everything he'd been blind to before. The extra fat under his chin and on his chest. The stomach that poked out over his trousers creating bulges visible through all his clothes. His upper arms weren't defined or thin they were thick and soft and they probably jiggled when he danced. His thighs were thicker than Soobin's waist and yesterday had proven how big he'd gotten. Even Beomgyu had said he was fat even if he claimed he didn't mean it later. He was fat and he hated it. 

His school shirt and blazer felt like they were going to burst their buttons when he did them up and his school trousers dug in to his stomach. His stomach wasn't cute and rub-able like Soobin's was. Soobin's tummy was cute and little and poke-able his was just gross and flabby and wrong. 

“Baby boy don't you think like that” he looked up at Yeonjun who was looking at him with a sad smile “I know what you're thinking about.” he nodded at his stomach where his hand was poking at his middle. He hadn't even realised he was doing it, gripping at the soft flesh on his front. “We promised you last night that you aren't fat and no one thinks you are so you shouldn't either. Don't let the insecurities get into your head. Believe me I know how it feels to constantly doubt yourself and nitpick about every little thing about yourself. Don't fall down that hole.” Yeonjuns hands rubbed over the scars on his thighs that they'd all learned the meaning of just before debut. 

“But I can feel it. I can see it. It's right here” he pulled his shirt up and grabbed hold of the flab to show Yeonjun “It's right here.” he didn't understand how the others couldn't see it when he could and Moa could. 

“There isn't anything their Kai it's just skin. I can do that to, look” he pulled his own shirt up and grabbed at his skin. It did pull out like his but it wasn't the same. He could see how thin Yeonjun was with his own eyes. If he turned sideways he almost disappeared but if he turned sideways it just made his stomach more obvious. 

“I don't wanna go to school” he said sadly. He could feel the tears coming back again “I don't feel good. Please let me stay” he folded his arms over his middle and curled up on himself. “I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Please don't make me go.” 

“Hey now baby boy don't cry” Yeonjun wrapped his arms round him and he lay his head against the older boys shoulder “It's going to be okay it's just school. It's boring as fuck yes but it's just school. You'll be home in just 4 hours.” but 4 hours was to long. 

“I don't wanna go. I won't go. I won't” he sobbed into Yeonjuns shoulder “'m not going.” he didn't want to and they couldn't make him. He wasn't going he was staying here. School made him feel bad and he was tired of feeling bad all the time. It was to much. He wanted to go to bed or he'd even go to the meeting with Yeonjun and Soobin if they let him. “Can I come with you? Please Noona I'll be good just let me come with you and Soobin.” he begged. If he went to school then everyone would look at him and they'd laugh at him and pick on him and he didn't like being picked on. They always picked on him. First they'd picked on him for not looking Korean and then they'd picked on him for being part of big hit because they said he was never going to be in a group like BTS. Then when he did debut they said he was just a copy cat and couldn't dance or sing and the longer they stayed together the more mad the other students got. He wasn't popular like his hyungs, he didn't know how to make friends like they did. He was awkward and weird and didn't understand their jokes so people would laugh. He hated school.

“Hey none of that. Dry those tears” Yeonjun wiped his face with his sleeve but it didn't stop more falling. His head hurt so bad and everything lately was to loud and busy and it made everything hurt. 

“I don't want to go Noona.” 

“You've got to go Kai we can't take you to the meeting it's important.” 

“I can go sit in our room! I'll stay there and I'll be good and no one will ever know I was there!” he promised. 

Yeonjun side and pet his hair “Kai you can't not go just because you are upset. It's not fair on anyone and especially not you. You need your education because not many idols get a proper one. This isn't forever you know that and one day you might need to use your education to get by. Also if you don't go whose Taehyun going to talk to hmm? You going to leave him without his best friend?”

“Taehyun doesn't need me. He's got his own friends.” It was true. Yes their time tables didn't match up any more but even if occasionally they did Taehyun still had his own friends he'd rather go and hang out with. He didn't fit in with them.

“But they aren't my best friend” Taehyun said walking back into the room towelling his hair dry “You are my best friend Kai and I want to hang out with you at school.”

“But I want to stay here...” why would Taehyun want to hang out with him when it puts him in the firing line of the other students ire to? Taehyun was impossible not to love and he was impossible to love. Him hanging off him was just holding him back from having all the normal experiences kids are meant to have at school even if their school experience wasn't quite as normal as most. He didn't need the chubby weirdo that couldn't pass a single class hanging off his arm at every second of the day. He whimpered and hid his face in Yeonjuns neck “I don't belong there.” 

“Beomgyu says if you come we can go into town at lunch and get your new Molang. If you come with us you get to pick out exactly what one you want and I bet they have loads of different kinds in loads of different sizes. We can even go and get boba tea afterwards if we're quick” Taehyun said smiling at him as he pulled the rest of his uniform on.

“See! You won't be on your own at all and you get to go pick your Molang then an hour later you will be back with us and we can go do the next show. It's not so bad is it?” ….it didn't sound that bad...he did want his Molang back...and he did like boba. Taehyun had taught him how to suck the pearls up into the straw and fire them one by one at someone...last time they went they targeted Soobin and he'd chased them down the street for it. “Straighten your uniform, dry your eyes, put dolphin in your bag and get going. Come on” Yeonjun smacked his butt and shoved him playfully. He sighed and pulled his bag out from the side of his bed and put Dolphin inside making sure to give it a extra cuddle before it went in. “That's it. Good boy. Now breakfast, coat, gloves, hat, scarf then school.” he said pulling him up by his hand and dragging him and Taehyun into the kitchen where Soobin had the stove on making breakfast for him and Beomgyu. 

“What are we having? Rice? Fruit? Cereal? Toast?” he asked.

“Porridge with banana!” Taehyun said opening the oat box and pouring some into a bowl and turning on the kettle. 

“And for Master Kai?” Yeonjun asked putting on his best butler voice. 

“I don't want anything...not hungry.” missing breakfast wouldn't matter to much. It was one meal and he needed to figure out a diet plan any way before the managers put him on a scary one of only chicken and rice for months. “I'll have something later.”

“Growing boys need food. Pick something and eat it. No arguments.” Yeonjun said opening the store cupboard and pulling out all the boxes of cereal. “We've got all of these look we've even got some coco pops left or we've got toast with.....chocolate spread or....peanut butter? Or both?” 

They were all full of sugar and fat and they'd make him more fat and then Moa would be more angry which would make the managers really angry. “I'm not hungry” he insisted. 

“Kai. You're having breakfast”

“Why? You miss breakfast all the time! You go out all the time without it so why can't I? It's not fair.” he sulked and crossed his arms. Yeonjun always skipped breakfast when he was trying to lose a bit of weight so why couldn't he? It clearly worked for Yeonjun and if he started going to the gym or practising more then people wouldn't be mad at him any more. 

“It's not the same. I'm an adult you aren't. Pick or I pick for you” It wasn't fair Yeonjun was trying to stop him from not being fat any more...maybe that was the point... maybe they all wanted him fat...if they kept him fat then more attention would be on them not him and eventually the managers would get rid of him if Moa hated him that much...maybe that's what today's meeting was about. They were trying to decide when was a good time to get rid of him. They were going behind his back to get rid of him. They said they loved him but they lied. 

“Why are you talking to the managers today? We didn't have a meeting scheduled?” he asked. 

Yeonjun looked up from the pile of cereal boxes he was creating with a raised brow “Why does that matter? We're talking about breakfast. Come on or you will be late.” 

“Tell me...why are you having a secret meeting with the managers?” They were lying to him. They said they loved him and now they were keeping secrets from him.

“We just need to discuss a few things is all. It's nothing for you to worry about.” Yeonjun sighed stopping moving boxes around. 

“Is it about me?” he needed to know. He needed to know if they were really going to kick him out because he couldn't wait longer to find out. If the wanted him gone he'd go and find...he didn't know where he'd go but he'd find something. He just didn't want to be lied to any more. 

“Yes. It's about you” Yeonjun answered his voice was tense like he was trying not to snap at him. His pretence about loving him finally coming down. “We need to discuss a few things about what's been going on and about the future. It's for your own good.” he insisted. 

They really were kicking him out. He wasn't going to be part of TxT any more and his brothers were going to abandon him. Why couldn't he just be good? Why did he make everyone leave him. 

“Kai put your hands down” Soobin said sternly from behind him “We don't have a choice about talking to them after yesterday. We know it wasn't your fault but something needs to be done for the sake of the future of the band and for your own good.” His hands were again on his already sore and pounding head. He let them slide down to his sides but he kept them clenched in tight fists and his eyes focused on the floor. 

“You said you loved me” he tried to sound angry but his voice sounded small and broken “You said you wanted me here. That I was family but you lied. You LIED” he yelled his eyes stung from how much he'd already cried but it didn't stop them falling. “You lied to me. I HATE YOU” he grabbed his bag off the floor and shoved Soobin hard to get past him and ran for the door. The moment he left the warmth of their dorm he realised his mistake in not grabbing his coat with only his school blazer for warmth in the frosty winter air. It didn't matter any way. 

What did it matter if he got sick? There wasn't anyone to give a shit about him. No one had ever cared about him before so why would they now? How could he have let himself be so stupid as to believe them last night. He was so stupid always letting himself believe it when people said they cared. No one did. He was just a joke to everyone. A stupid useless fat worthless baby. Couldn't even go to school without taking a stupid doll with him cos he was such a baby. Couldn't fit into his costumes cos he was so fat. Couldn't even get his own parents to love him. Now his supposed brothers were abandoning him to. 

He runs and runs and slips a few times on the icy path but gets up again and keeps on going ignoring the pain in his knees and palms. 

His phone rings in his pocket and he slows his run down and looks at the screen. Soobin is ringing him probably just wants to tell him to not bother coming back. He hangs up but he phone immediately rings again. He keeps pressing end call till eventually he snaps and answers “What?” 

“Where are you?” Soobin yells down the phone “Taehyun says you aren't on the bus and Beomgyu went ahead to school and you aren't there either. You can't just run off like that Kai. You don't even have a coat, it's -5c outside.” He feels the shiver of the cold wind go up his spine when he hears the temperature. 

“What does it matter? You don't want me there. You don't care. No one wants me. No ones ever wanted me.” hes crying and his voice is loud and the people who pass him on the street stare at him like he's crazy. He is crazy. If he wasn't crazy then none of the things he does would happen. He makes people scared of him and maybe they should be. He was scared of himself sometimes. He didn't like how he was, he never did but it was getting worse and he'd ruined everything for everyone. Someone was going to see him and it would be online and people would laugh more and his dad would see and he'd be so angry. Dad didn't like other people finding out what a freak he was. He got upset at school one time and the teachers had called him in. He'd been so angry and ashamed of him he'd made him change schools all together without a word to anyone there. No one asked his sisters after him when he left. No one even noticed.

“Why do you think that? We love you Kai. Come back home Yeonjuns going spare here.” 

“No you DON'T! STOP LYING TO ME!” he could hear people around him muttering now she he took off running again till he found a relatively empty area where he could duck in between two buildings. “Why couldn't you just tell me you wanted me to go? Why lie to me and pretend you love me when you wanted to abandon me to?” he asked.

“No one is abandoning you Kai. Why do you think we're abandoning you? All we wanted was for you to have breakfast and go to school.” 

“Yeah so you could go ask the managers to fire me and send me home. But I don't HAVE a home Soobin. Daddy doesn't love me, Mummy left me and my sisters love daddy more than me. I just make you all mad and ruin everything. I'm going to be on my own! I don't like being on my own!” he slid down the wall onto the cold wet floor and cried into his knees “Why can't anybody love me?” 

“Kai we're going to the managers to HELP you. Why would they fire you? We were going to talk to them about your dad so they can make sure he has no legal rights to you any more after what he's done. You're our baby brother we aren't going to leave you on your own. You need help Kai not abandonment.” 

“Then why did Yeonjun...”

“Yeonjun is an idiot who can't keep his mouth shut. It wasn't meant to be a secret Kai we just didn't want you worrying till we had a plan. We want what's best for you and that's keeping that bastard as far away from you as possible and helping you deal with everything. Come home and you can come with us to the meeting and tell them for yourselves what happened. Bang PD won't let him get away with it Kai. He will protect you just like we will.” 

He didn't understand. If it wasn't meant to be a secret why did Yeonjun not tell him? Soobin was right there why didn't he tell him either? But then why would Soobin invite him to the meeting now if he was just going to be fired? He shivered and pulled his jacket closer around himself but it did nothing to keep the chill off him. 

“I'm cold Soobinnie” he cried into the phone the melting ice beneath him had soaked through his clothes and his fingers were numb from the cold. 

“Come home. Where are you?” 

“I don't know...I ran...” he hadn't looked at where he was going just that it was away. 

“Do you have money on you? Can you get a cab?” Soobin asked. He rooted around in his pocket looking for any spare lunch money he'd left in there. He pulled out a few notes and counted them up.

“I've got a bit?” he wasn't sure if it was enough to get home given he didn't know how far he'd come. The time on his phone showed he'd left the house over an hour ago so it could be pretty far. 

“Okay get in a cab and we'll have some here just in case you need more. Come home Kai.” 

“okay” he got to his feet shaking off the water and snow stuck to his clothes as best as he could and peaked out the alley at the shops around him. He'd been here a few times and it was a few miles from the dorms. He hailed the first cab he saw and gave the address. He could see the judgemental gaze of the driver as he watched him through the mirror but he said nothing as he drove. 

He thankfully had enough for the fair with little change left over and when he got out the cab Soobin and Yeonjun were waiting for him. They pulled him quickly into the warmth of the dorm and Yeonjun shoved a hot cup into his hands. “Drink” he said angrily “Don't you EVER do that again! You cannot make us worry like that. What if something happened? Look at the state of your knees! You've ruined your uniform and your hands are bleeding to! What did you even do? Did you not think about how it would make us feel? How could you be so selfish?” Yeonjun was yelling and crying at the same time and he felt so guilty. He'd upset his Noona by being stupid and selfish. He'd done it all again. Even when trying to do what they asked him to do he still made people mad. 

“Yeonjun don't yell at him for gods sake. You're making it worse. He's home that's all that matters” Soobin warned “Get him something dry to change into and calm down.” Yeonjun glared at Soobin but left for his room any way. “It's okay Kai he's just worried.”

“I made everyone mad again” he whispered “Why do I keep making people mad?”

“You didn't he's just being dramatic because he worries about you. Let me clean you up and we can go to the office okay? The meetings in about an hour and then you can see that it's not about anything bad alright?” he nodded and sipped carefully on the hot drink. He barely registered Soobin patch him up, moving his limbs around like a rag doll whilst he swapped the drink from hand to hand. He doesn't know if it was from the cold or the emptiness that he didn't feel the pain in the cuts that he now saw had left bloody hand prints on the cup but he was glad they didn't hurt. 

The hour passed quick and they were in a company car up to the studios ready for the meeting. He'd changed into his favourite and most comfy clothes and Yeonjun had silently forced him into a puffer jacket before shoving his rucksack into one hand and dragging him by the other out the door. He didn't say anything him the entire time they waited outside the managers offices either but he kept a tight grip on his hand and when he started getting nervous and twitchy when the clock ticked closer to the hour he pulled his rucksack towards him opened it and handed him his dolphin, put the bag down and went straight back to holding his hand. 

The door beside them opened “boys” a manager said and gestured for them to enter the room. They took their places on the sofa with Yeonjun and Soobin on either side of him. “What seems to be the problem?” So Soobin hadn't told him what was going on already? He'd've thought he already knew. 

“We need to get Kai emancipated from his father.” Soobin said matter of factly “As soon as possible.” 

The manager raised an eyebrow “And why would we want to do that?” 

“Because he's an abusive piece of shit that needs to rot in the darkest pits of hell for what he's done” Yeonjun growled and clinged tighter on to his hand.” He still wasn't sure why they reacted so badly to his dad. He deserved most of it by being bad. Yes sometimes his dad was angry at other things and took it out on him but given how bad he'd been his entire life he couldn't blame his dad for taking it out on him. He deserved it. 

“Is this true Kai?” the manager asked looking at him. It felt like his eyes were burning into his soul. If he said yes his dad would get in trouble and then he'd be even angrier but if he said no then his hyungs would be mad at him and he didn't want that either. 

“Kai tell him what he did to you” Soobin prompted, rewording the question to make it easier for him to answer. 

“Sometimes he gets mad and he hits me...” he said avoiding his managers gaze “If I'm bad he gets really angry and it's scary.” he admits. He doesn't want to make his dad seem like a bad person. The manager will be able to see he deserved it because they always tell him off if hes bad to. 

“We can't emancipate you because your dad punishes you for misbehaviour Boys this is ridiculous. I don't have time for silly childish games.” The manager sighs and rubs his face. See he knew he'd understand. The managers knew he was a bad boy to. 

“No! Listen!” Soobin almost shouted. He didn't like hearing Soobin angry it meant something was really wrong but he couldn't understand what. “Kai tell him why your dad says you're bad.” 

“Because I cry” 

“Your father hits you for...crying? Boys really this is a waste of my time no one is going to beat their child for crying.” The manager seemed angry now. He'd done it again he'd been bad and now the manager was angry and Soobin was angry and Yeonjun looked really sad. 

“He does! You have to believe us! What if Kai has to go back home and gets seriously hurt? How would you then explain that to the fans? That you knew about the abuse and did nothing to stop it?”

“I need more evidence than 'he gets angry when he cries' to do anything. The law won't work in your favour here. Kai what does your dad do to abuse you?” The manager didn't believe him. He didn't believe Soobin or Yeonjun either. He just looked angry.

Soobin and Yeonjun both looked at him. Yeonjun squeezed his hand and Soobin nodded at him to tell him it was okay. “Tell him everything Kai. It's safe to tell him.” he promised. 

“Once....I dropped my juice on my bed...he told me I wasn't allowed juice in my room...I tried to clean it but he caught me. He yelled so much I was really scared so I cried but that made him angrier. He hit me in the head and I fell over. It made my head bleed here” he pointed at to the spot just above his hairline where the scar was thankfully hidden by his hair. “There was so much blood and I got more scared so I cried more so he called me a baby and said I was selfish for not obeying him because now he was going to have to clean my bed instead of doing important things...he grabbed me by my head and made me drink the whole bottle of juice in one go till I was sick then he hit me again for making more mess with sick and blood...I had to go to hospital. He told them I fell down the stairs but the nurse wanted to speak to me away from dad. I didn't tell them anything but daddy still got mad” tears started rolling down his cheeks again as he remembered how bad it had been that day. He thought for a bit that his dad was going to be so angry with him that he would kill him. “He locked me in my room for 3 days and only let me out because the school kept ringing asking where I was and my little Sister said she didn't know when they asked her...he said if I did it again he'd put me in care.” His dad always threatened him with things like that. If it wasn't going into care it was getting locked in the loft in the dark or made to live in the garden. His dad knew how much he feared being alone in the dark. 

“That..” the manager looked shocked for a split second despite his previously angry reaction and his brothers looked horrified “That we can use... If the nurses were concerned about something their should be something flagged on your medical record. Is there any other medical evidence?” 

He thought back to all his childhood hospital visits “I broke my arm when I was six?” he offered. That wasn't really his dads fault either. If he'd behaved it wouldn't happened. 

“What broke your arm?” 

“My sisters and I were playing on the landing at home. We had my older sisters toy carriage for her Barbies and I accidentality knocked it through the gap in the banister and it got stuck on the light. I climbed over to get it back but dad found us as I was crawling back over. He smacked me and I rolled down the stairs and hit it on the chest at the bottom.” He'd cried so much and his sisters had screamed at the weird way his arm was bending. His dad had rushed to them to comfort them but made him get up of his own accord and go wait by the door. He stood there in pain for over an hour whilst he cheered up his sisters before he came to take him to the hospital. They'd asked questions that time to about how he'd fallen down the stairs but he was to little to understand what they meant then so he'd just told them he fell climbing the banister. He heard Yeonjun gasp and whisper his name beside him and Soobin moved closer to him. 

“Did you ever tell anyone about this? A relative? A friend?” the manager asked.

“I told Soobinie and Noona!” 

“Anyone before that? Would your sisters be able to confirm it?” the manager didn't believe him. Of course he didn't believe him who would?

“No..my sisters know I deserved it so they don't talk to me any more they agree with dad.” He wished they would talk to him. He loved his sisters but they didn't love him. He missed playing with them and singing with them and having fun. 

The manager sighed “Okay. I can't guarantee anything will come from this. There is very little evidence being presented to me that proves your father has done anything wrong. Hearsay won't stand up in court I'm afraid aid if the nurses didn't flag anything in your notes then I'm afraid there might not be anything we can do. It might just be a case of we have to wait till you're of age but I will talk to the lawyers and see if there is enough evidence to bring any charges but I wouldn't hold out much hope. Is there anything else we can do for you boys?” Charges? His dad hadn't done anything illegal why would the police do anything? Bad kids got punished that was normal. Why couldn't anyone see that?

“We....we want Kai to see a doctor” He looked up at Soobin shocked. He wasn't sick was he? Why would he need to see a doctor? “He...its about what he went to the doctor for before...they said he'd get better but he hasn't...I...we...” he pointed at Yeonjun “We think there is something more going on...he needs help.” So they did think he was crazy. Why did they keep lying to him telling him they didn't think that and then go and tell the manager right in front of him that they did? 

“You lied” he said “You promised! You said I wasn't crazy you said I couldn't help it but you lied” he hated them. He hated all of them. They kept lying to him. 

Yeonjuns grip on his hand tightened and Soobin grabbed his other and held them down “We don't think you're crazy we think its something else. Something medical or something we don't know but you aren't crazy.” Soobin promised as he tried to fight against their grip. His dolphin had fallen to the floor and he tried to pull away to get it back but their grip was to tight. It hurt the bruises and cuts on his arm as he tried to yank his arm free. “Calm down and we will let you go.” 

He continued to fight but he could feel the managers eyes on him, judging him. Seeing what a mistake they had made in choosing him for the band. Crazy people couldn't be idols. He could feel the regret in the air. 

“He doesn't need to see a doctor.” the manager said “We already know what's wrong. It was decided it's better it not go on his record for his careers sake and that it was better he didn't know either, or you.” 

_Soobin POV_

He had suspected that management had prevented any kind of diagnosis for their little brother but the fact they had actually got one and kept it to themselves without offering any kind of therapy or help for a struggling child. They knew everything that had been going on with him (to a point) and had done nothing. Letting a boy harm himself and others because he couldn't cope with the outside world all for the sake of money. That's why they'd done this, money. They had neglected a kid over money. They were no better than his actual parents. 

They couldn't go on forever having to physically restrain Kai from hurting himself when he got overwhelmed. For one he was getting to strong for them to control given he was growing at an alarming rate and would probably be taller than him in a few months. 

It also wasn't fair on Kai for him to have to go through it every time he got stressed or overwhelmed. Especially when they worked in one of the most stressful businesses in the world. Kai would crumble under all the pressure sooner or later and that's not what they wanted as music was something Kai was born for. 

“You knew? You knew and you did nothing? You knew what he was going through and you didn't try and help him? What kind of monster are you?” he snapped. 

“Now there is no need for that. We did it for his own good” 

“HIS OWN GOOD? HE'S HURTING HIMSELF! HE'S PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY IN PAIN AND YOU DID NOTHING! HE'S JUST A KID.” He couldn't remember the last time he'd raised his voice this loud but the situation certainly called for it. “YOU LET A KID LIVE INDEPENDANTLY KNOWING HE NEEDED HELP WHEN EVEN A FULLY COMPETANT KID SHOULDN'T BE LIVING ON THEIR OWN.”

“He wasn't on his own he had you boys.” 

“WE'RE BARELY OLDER THAN HIM!” How could the manager not see how fucked up the situation was. “WE HAVE NO RIGHT LOOKING AFTER SOMEONE WHO NEEDED PROPER CARE AND ATTENTION.” 

“The industry does not take kindly to people like him” the manager looked at Kai with disdain he hadn't shown previously. It made his blood boil more than before. “If you cannot cope looking after him then we can look at ending his contract or replacing him that is up to you.” Kai let out a gut wrenching wail beside him and they had to fight harder to keep him from harm. 

“REPLACE HIM? Kai cannot be replaced. He's our brother and we love him and we wouldn't lose him for the world. We want him to get help, a therapist or something not send him back home. How can you even suggest that after what you learned today?” 

“If he goes then you don't have to worry about him or his home life any more. This is a cut throat business Soobin and if he's not up to it then he can't be baggage on your careers.” Kai fought harder and harder to get out of their grasps and if it wasn't for their need to prevent him from hurting himself he'd let go just so he could punch their manager in the face. Kai was not and never would be baggage on their careers. 

“Fuck you” Yeonjun hissed at the older man “Fuck you and your bullshit. Kai come on we're getting out of here. We'll go see PD-nim and see what he has to say about this.” He helped Yeonjun drag their shaking brother to his feet making sure to grab his dolphin and bag on the way. “Come on Ningning it's going to be okay.” he promised rubbing his back but Kai was lost in his head and couldn't hear them.

“You can't go and disturb him he's a busy man” the manager yelled attempting to block their path but was to slow “He won't say any different than me. Either he goes or he deals with his shit and moves on. He isn't irreplaceable.” 

Yeonjun donkey kicked backwards as they shoved past hitting the manager in the balls with some force. “Yes the fuck he is. If he goes we all do.” 

“You can't. You're contracted for several 5 more years yet.” 

“Yeah pretty sure my parents are rich enough they can get us out of that. Or we could just refuse to do anything till it makes the label look so bad no one will even ask to have us on their show any more. Your choice. Now fuck off we're going to see PD-nim.” 

They marched Kai together into the lift and up to the top floor where Bang PD's offices were along with all the other higher ups. The receptionist was a well dressed middle aged woman who kept a bowl of sweets on her desk that let them take as many as they pleased when they waited for their meetings usually but today there was no stopping to chat. “Is PD-nim in his office? It's an emergency.” he said. She took one look at the crying boy between them and immediately picked up the phone to alert their boss to their presence. 

“Yes, of course. I'll send them straight in” she hung up “Go right in boys.” She stood up and opened the office door giving Kai a sympathetic look “I'll bring some drinks” she said and closed the door behind them. 

“What has happened here?” Bang PD was sitting at his desk with his feet up on top of it and an iPad in his hands. 

“Our managers a bastard is what happened”

“YEONJUN! Not in front of PD-nim” he warned him. 

“Its true! PD-nim he has been withholding a medical diagnosis from Kai for the sake of money and when we wanted to get him help he said Kai would either be replaced or fired if we did. It's not RIGHT!” 

Bang PD looked between them and then at the crying Kai still fighting against their hold. “Okay first things first” he got up from behind his desk and shoved the variety of items taking up the sofa on to the floor. “Sit him down” they did as they were ordered “We'll get a hot drink into him” as if on queue the receptionist-noona walked in carrying a tray of steaming hot mugs and a plate of biscuits. She put them on the table in front of them and reached into her pocket and placed three sweets from her dish in front of them and left. Bang PD said on the table beside the tray and looked at Kai “HueningKai I don't know what's happened yet but in this room you're safe.” Kai stopped struggling and looked up at their boss “Have a sip of this and then we can sort out what ever happened that made your manager 'a bastard' as Yeonjun here described it.” 

He had heard about the abuse that their older brothers had gone through when they first started out so he understood why PD-nim was immediately concerned about a crying maknae and his angry hyungs. 

PD-nim lifted one teacup up to Kai. They let their grasp on his arm go slightly to see how he'd react but thankfully all he did was reach out and take the cup with a polite bow. They each got their own cup and a biscuit each and finished them in silence. “Now. Tell me what happened.”

He explained what had happened both over the past few years, with the vlive that had triggered the most recent events and Kai's new fixation and with the manager today with occasional angry input from Yeonjun whilst Kai remained silent between them having finally been given back his dolphin which he held tightly. As he explained the situation their bosses face got increasingly redder with anger as he typed away furiously on his tablet, gesturing for him to continue. After he finished explaining they sat in uncomfortable silence whilst he continued to type at his tablet so fast his fingers were almost a blur. 

“Um...PD-nim?” he asked after what felt like an age of quiet. 

The older man looked up suddenly “Oh! Yes! Sorry. I don't want any of you to worry. I will be taking over everything personally until the proper action has been taken. Kai I'm sorry you were so mistreated both by your family and by the team here at Big Hit but I promise you we will not allow any further harm to come to you okay?” Kai didn't speak but nodded his head a fraction. “Our lawyers are already working on ways in which we can protect you from your father and any funds he has used in the past can be reclaimed. When we have found an appropriate replacement you will be getting a new management team who have been properly vetted to suit both yours and our needs. Until then Sejin shall be co-managing you along side me. Your schedule for the next two months is already in place so it shouldn't be to much of an issue. We will also be arranging for proper therapy for ALL of you over the coming weeks once we have found a suitable therapist that will sign an NDA.” He clicked a few times on his tablet like he was ticking off a schedule before looking back at Kai. “When I started this label I wanted it to be a safe place outside of the usual bullshit of the idol industry. The first time round I failed and my boys got hurt in the process and that is something I will never forgive myself for. When we decided to debut another group especially one as young as you all are I swore no harm would come to any of you. I thought I was doing a good job when we didn't make you diet or miss out on education or when we installed cameras to stop you overworking yourselves and sleeping in the studio all night so you could train later. I never thought of the things outside of these walls that could be hurting you. For that I am sorry. I will work to rectify this and make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. If anything and I mean anything causes issue in the future don't hesitate to contact me and we can work together to fix it. This place is meant to be a family not just a work place.” 

He wished they'd come to PD-nim from the start. They knew he cared much more than other label managers did. They'd heard the horror stories from their friends in other groups of what brutal treatment they experienced and they were glad to say they'd experienced none of it. Not until now any way. Maybe if the first night they witnessed Kai's meltdown they'd gone to see him then things wouldn't have escalated like this. 

“Thank you” he and Yeonjun said both bowing together. They were grateful that their brother was finally going to get the help he deserved. He couldn't imagine what it must've been liking living with that level of abuse and dealing with...whatever it was...that Kai had. But now they could all work on moving forward and getting the help they all needed even if he was sure Beomgyu and Taehyun would put up a fight about going to therapy to. 

“Now. You have a show tonight do you not? Are you all up for it or shall I have it cancelled for illness?” They both looked at Kai still silently hugging his dolphin and rocking back and forth a little. 

“Kai? Baby boy did you hear what PD-nim asked?” Yeonjun asked turning himself almost sideways with his head in Kai's lap so he could look him in the face. Kai looked down at him and nodded “You able to answer?” he asked and Kai nodded but didn't look up.

“I want to perform” he whispered. 

“Are you sure?” PD-nim asked “there is no shame in taking a day off after what's happened. I know its your come back but theirs a show tomorrow to.” 

“No. I want to perform. I can do it.” 

“That's the spirit!” Yeonjun said happily sitting up again so he could hug Kai tightly “You show them! Nothing stops Kai Kamal Huening.” Yeonjun raised Kai's arm up like he'd won a boxing match making the younger boy laugh meekly. 

“Okay if that is all settled I've obviously got a bit of work to do now. You go boys go do whatever it was you have planned for today and enjoy your show tonight. Sejin will be at the show tonight and will contact you with any further information.” They nodded and stood up to leave “Oh! One last thing” Bang PD said and they stopped quickly and turned back round. He picked the three sweets up off the tray and put them in Kai's pocket “There. I think she'd put something in my coffee if you didn't get your sweets” he eyed the door warily then winked at them. They laughed and thanked him once again and left making sure to thank the reception-noona on their way out to. 

“Okay so what now?” Yeonjun asked as they got back into the lift. “I'm hungry. Who wants food? We can order take out?” he suggested. He agreed with him readily as his stomach growled even thinking about food. 

“I'm tired” Kai said yawning and leaning against him “Want to go back to bed.”

“Food first. Then we can all go nap before Thing 1 and Thing 2 get back from school.” he told Kai and dragged him towards their shared office between their individual studios. 

“Not hungry. Just want sleep” the telltale growl of their maknaes stomach gave away his lies. 

“Food first. Then sleep. No arguments.” he said sternly and Kai pouted and sulked but kept walking “You can pick what we have? Pizza? Ramyeon? Chicken?” Kai huffed and continued walking till they were inside their room where he plonked himself on the sofa and lay down. 

“If Kai doesn't answer then Kai gets asparagus” Yeonjun said winking at him where the younger boy couldn't see. Then came the tell tale sign of their maknae gagging “Asparagus has always been your favourite hasn't it Hueningie? Bet you'd like a whole bowl of it just for you?” He and Yeonjun tried to hide their giggles as the sounds of disgust got louder. 

“Pizza! I want pizza!! ewww Asparagus? You guys are so gross” Kai yelled turning back round to glare at them. His whole body and most of his head was being swallowed by the large puffer jacket he still wore. He looked adorable with his grumpy face being the only thing peaking out from behind the fabric. 

“Pizza with extra toppings of asparagus? And lots of tomato slices?” Yeonjun teased and Kai looked horrified. 

“Ewwww no! Pizza with pepperoni and spicy chicken and jalapeños” he yelled “No asparagus and DEFINITELY no tomatoes.” After they'd filmed the can't you see me video and discovering Kai's bordering on phobia of whole tomatoes they liked to tease the younger boy with claiming they would be part of his every meal. 

“okay, okay. Pizza with pepperoni, chicken and chillies it is!” Yeonjun said getting his phone out to load the app “...and extra tomatoes....”

“NOONA!” They all laughed and teased each other for the rest of the wait till their food came. 

Kai took a bit of encouragement to eat more than a slice and flat out refused after the third one but it was something and now with the therapy in the future it was something that could be worked on to stop him fixating on something that would later become a serious issue. 

Once the meal was finished they pulled out the couch and flattened the back down as far as it would go so they could all three fit, long limbs tangled together with Kai in the middle still bundled in his jacket with his dolphin still tight in his grasp. They quickly fell one by one to sleep with him finally able to get a peaceful sleep knowing their little brother was actually going to be okay. 

~~

They woke up a few hours later by the sound of something smashing and a loud cry of pain. They all shot up with Yeonjun falling off the sofa onto the hard floor with a thud. Taehyun was sitting in a desk chair by the computer and Beomgyu was currently on the floor with a smashed mug and spilled coffee in front of him. 

“How long have you been there?” He asked seeing the empty food wrappers that wasn't from their earlier meal. 

“An hour. We were going to let you sleep till it was time to go but this oaf decided to break shit.” Taehyun said swinging around in his chair flicking playing cards between his fingers. 

“hey!” Beomgyu cried flicking some of the spilled drink at him that he was trying to clean up with paper towels. 

“Well its true” 

“Shut up”

He looked around the room to see that on the table beside them the pizza boxes had been cleared away and replaced with three cups of boba tea and a very large bag with something tightly wrapped inside.

“How did you two manage to be in here for an hour without waking us? You I understand” Yeonjun pointed at Taehyun “but you. You're a walking hurricane.” 

“Well I guess you don't want your boba tea then” Beomgyu said glaring and going to pick up the cup. 

“Hey no! I never said that! Gimmee” he took the tea from off the table and handed the other cups to him and Kai. 

“Oh and that ones for you Kai. An apology” Beomgyu said picking up the large bag and handing it over. “I hope you like it.” 

Kai handed his cup back to Yeonjun and pulled the first of what turned out to be two packages wrapped in lots of colourful tissue paper. He gently undid each layer of paper till the last one fell away revealing a Molang plush squished up tightly inside. Beomgyu had kept his promise to replace the destroyed one. “Thank you!” Kai shrieked happily hugging the enormous rabbit plush to his chest his dolphin now forgotten on the sofa “thank you, thank you, thank you.” 

“What's the other package?” Yeonjun asked looking at the other tightly wrapped parcel that was slightly bigger than Molang. 

“Just an extra sorry...and a friend for Molang...” Beomgyu said blushing slightly. 

Kai picked up the second package this time not being as delicate with the paper to reveal another large plushie of what looked like his Tobin wearing a penguin costume. “Tobin?” Kai asked looking at Beomgyu. 

“Well he's not quite Tobin. He's smaller but he's the only one that fit into the outfits they sell at the bear factory. He's got a few more outfits in there to” Beomgyu reached into the bag and pulled out four more costumes to match their animal personas. A fox, a bear, a squirrel and a bunny. He'd clearly put a lot of thought into the gift. 

“I love him. I love them.” Kai said hugging both toys close “They're the best present ever. Thank you Gyu” He laughed happily examining each toy closely and all the outfits and swapping them around to decide which one he wanted on it right now. 

They sat and watched their beloved maknae play till they each got their alarm telling them it was time to go to the car to head to music bank for their performance. They quickly packed up their rubbish and Kai gathered up his plushies and their outfits and fit them all into his rucksack and the bag they'd been given in and they headed out. 

The performance went smoothly this time with no drama before or after and their post show chat had been full of light hearted banter with each other rather than the previous tense atmosphere. Taehyung and Jimin had even popped by again to say how well they did and that they would look forward to the next one. 

The next few weeks involved lots of meetings with lawyers and management and even the police as things got sorted all of which was on top of the younger boys schooling and al of their performances with the new album being out but Kai fought through it all with little in the way of meltdowns and only a few episodes of crying. The lawyers had already filed action against Kai's father and the Korean police were working with the police in china to build a case against him. This of course had meant that the news had got out to the public and Kai's name had been plastered everywhere but thankfully due to Bang PD and their older brothers in BTS's support and their starting up a campaign to combat child abuse the public reception had been mostly positive and Kai's dads pop career had all but ended. He'd tried to contact him a few times but after the second call in the middle of the night Taehyun had stolen Kai's phone and said something to his dad that made him stop attempting to contact him further. Whatever it was he'd said they all agreed it was probably best they didn't have any knowledge of it in case his dad brought it up in court.

A week after their meeting with Bang PD they had started therapy with both individual and group sessions with a lovely older lady who was recommended to them by Yoongi-hyung for being both helpful and discreet. She arranged the sessions to fit around their schedules and they'd proven to be more than helpful. They finally had a name for what Kai had which was autism and they'd explained that it wasn't anything to be concerned about and with the proper coping techniques he should've been taught as a child he would be able to live a relatively normal life.

Kai was now able to tell when a meltdown was coming on and tell one of them before it hit which lowered the extreme reaction he usually had. It didn't stop them entirely and apparently there was nothing effective currently known that ever would given it wasn't something that could be treated with medication but being able to talk about it made things easier for him and them. 

The therapy was having a positive effect on all them to. Yeonjun had come to realise that he wasn't quite as over his past issues as he thought and admitted to still frequently feeling the urge to harm himself as much as he kept it buried. He'd been taught other ways to direct those urges and had put more focus into song writing to channel the feelings he kept buried. 

Taehyun talked through his issues with anxiety and whilst he still went mute when everything got to much he didn't hide away on his own any more instead he thrived in being in others company. Especially when he was around Kai who always managed to put a smile on any of their faces. 

Beomgyu managed to learn to deal with his anxiety and anger so he stopped taking his own insecurity out on others which had resulted in an even calmer atmosphere in the dorms. Well calm unless you counted the even tighter bond between the maknaes now they didn't argue 24/7 and instead put all that energy into plotting devious schemes to prank him and Yeonjun. They somehow always managed to stay one step ahead of them when they tried finding out what they were up to next. 

He on the other hand. He learned to deal with his insecurities about not being a good enough leader to his brothers. He learned to accept that not everything was within his control and things could go wrong and it was okay. It was okay to not know what to do in every situation and it was important he asked for help if he needed it. It took a while for him to be able to ask for help the first time but on night after a stressful day where Kai had been upset by meetings with lawyers he'd gone and crawled into Yeonjuns bed and admitted he wasn't coping and didn't know what to do about the whole situation. Yeonjun had listened to him talk and get all his feelings out and then told him that he didn't need to shoulder the burden alone and he could carry some of the weight to and he did. He immediately felt lighter having someone else there to be there beside him. They fell asleep that night wrapped up in each others arms and the next morning he woke up to Yeonjun still holding him tightly and singing softly in his ear. He'd never felt more at peace. The new found calmness between members had awoken an unspoken something between him and Yeonjun...he wasn't able to put a name on it yet but what ever it was he wanted it to last forever.

For once they all could believe that things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Haters click the x button. 
> 
> This is based on my own personal experiences with child abuse and autism and obviously no two cases will ever be alike because individualy they suck enough but combine the two and you get a whole ass clusterfuck. 
> 
> May anyone who wishes to send Hyuka hate in the future sit on a rusty spike and swivel.
> 
> I may consider a sequel in future about Taehyun when he leaves the room to clean Molang or just a seperate fic all together about mute Taehyun.


End file.
